Thinking of postponing a surgical procedure (deadname risk)

I’m kind of scared right now. I’m going into hospital for a surgical procedure on May 3rd.  I’m terrified of hospitals and surgery as it is, but I have something far greater than that to fear: my deadname.

The hospital changed their records when my care manager made them do it.  But that was oh the basis that my health insurance details had already been changed.  The problem is that they want me to bring my insurance card on the day of the surgery.   That insurance card still has my ugly deadname in it and I do NOT want anyone to see it.  I don’t even want to think about the possible things that could go wrong as far as my deadname is concerned.  I don’t want to go in for surgery and also have to worry about the deadname rearing its ugly head at a time when I’ll be extremely vulnerable, in a situation where I’ll be recovering from surgery and most likely in pain.

Even if the court order arrives before the date of surgery, there won’t be time for Social Security to send me my new card with my correct name.  And even if that were to happen, this would need to get relayed to my insurance company for them to send out a new insurance card.  With less than 2 weeks to go, that isn’t going to happen. I’ll be lucky to even get the court order within that time.

You probably don’t understand how dangerous that name is to my mental health as it’s probably my worst trigger.  But it’s such a big deal that I’m contemplating postponing the surgery until we can get everything changed.  I’m scared enough as it is by the prospect of going into hospital.  I really want the surgery, but I can’t deal with the deadname again and even the thought of what might happen is making me feel physically ill with worry and dread.

The pre-admission testing is on Friday morning.  I don’t know if I should just talk to my care manager and see it we can postpone it for 2-3 months or so, because it can wait and my health isn’t at risk.

I’ll talk to my care manager tomorrow when I see him.  This is a huge fucking problem.  Please don’t tell me “it’s just a name”.  

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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