Lonely and longing for the love I’ll never find

I wish I had a boyfriend. You’ve no idea how happy meeting someone would make me.  It wouldn’t solve all of my problems, but it’d be a wonderful distraction and a chance for me to prove to someone that despite my flaws and mental health issues, I have a lot of love to give.

I’d love to find a man that is rugged, but gentle.   Someone strong and independent that would inspire me, rather than hold me back.  I don’t care about looks, though I’d like to find someone that was active and loved the outdoors.  I don’t mind if he loves sport or going out with his friends. I’m not clingy and I wouldn’t want him to be either.  I’d love to meet someone who can make me laugh and smile, even when I’m feeling down.  I love confidence and I don’t even mind if he’s a little cocky. I can’t have children, but I’d love to meet a single dad and become part of a family.  I wish that I could experience love and the feeling of protection.   

But it’ll never happen…,he doesn’t exist and even if he did, he wouldn’t be interested in me.   I’ll never find love in this life, but hopefully the next life won’t curse me with ugliness and mental health problems.  I want to be a normal girl then woman in my next life. I’ll get to experience the same things as other normal people, except that I’ll appreciate them a dozen times more.  If I’ve learned anything from this life it’s that most people take what they have for granted.

The other day, I almost invited one of the male residents to my apartment so I could cook for him.  I felt bad because he was out of food stamps and was reduced to eating canned spam on Easter Day.   Like me, he was estranged from his family too.   But I didn’t want to embarrass myself, though the illusion of having someone to cook for would’ve been good, plus he’d have got a meal out of it.   I’ve also not had good experiences with the men here anyway.  

I’m so fucking lonely.  

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

1 thought on “Lonely and longing for the love I’ll never find”

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