I can’t handle overbearing people 

Rochester’s climate is an asshole. My plan to sit outside for a few hours reading was ruined by a system of high winds.  The wind was so strong that it almost knocked me over and it blew my hairband right off my head, causing my ugly Spanish moss-like hair to blow in my face and tangle.  

I came back to the apartment building and sat in the lobby reading my book, largely undisturbed.  I spoke with the on call support worker who assured me that I shouldn’t take what happened yesterday as being seen as male, because E (the resident I spoke with) talks about that stuff with everyone.

I was quietly reading when the big , loud, gregarious guy that I’m wary of walked past and asked me if I was angry with him.  I nervously replied “no, why would I be angry with you?”  He said something about how I just walk past and don’t say much.  I don’t like using my voice and I didn’t feel like explaining it to him.   I’m just upset that once again, my shyness and reluctance to talk is perceived as me being rude or angry.  This is a problem I’ve always had with people and probably explains why a lot of people have disliked me in the past.  Just because he loves to talk to anyone that walks by, doesn’t mean that others are the same way.  

Needless to say, that guy makes me even more uncomfortable than he did before.  He has way too much masculine energy going on too, which also makes me uneasy.    I didn’t even feel comfortable talking to E, even after she offered me chocolate.  Even she left when the guy started talking to her about some stupid X-Men movie that she hadn’t seen (and he acted surprised that she hadn’t seen it).  I continued to ignore him before leaving. 

An earlier interaction also affected me, but not in the same way.   A guy I didn’t recognized said hello and I said hello back and asked how he was.  He said he didn’t speak to his family and had to eat canned spam for Easter dinner as he was out of food stamps.   He then asked me what I was doing fir Easter and I explained that I didn’t have friends or family here either.   “No boyfriend?” he then asked and I just shook my head, unable to hide my sadness, then he left.   

I think I should aim for finding a way to opt out of the human race and just live in a cabin deep in the woods.   Being around others is too painful.   I’m far more immersed with the characters in the book I’m reading than anyone in real life, except one person who I’ve never acdualy met, but has always been there for me for the last 3+ years.  I just wish we lived in the same city.  People line that are one in a trillion.  

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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