Yet another night of insufficient sleep and a painful dream that I’d rather not go into.   I woke up feeling nauseous.  I don’t think Seroquel is the right medication for me.   It knocks me out, but it doesn’t help me stay asleep and I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a freight train.  When I see my psychiatrist next week, I’m going to ask to switch to something else.  I lay in bed awake for hours, tormented by my usual thoughts:

“You’re ugly”
“No one will ever want you”
“You’re a freak”
“You’re worthless”
“Kill yourself”

I also relive bad experiences and go over and over what was said to me and I take it in the worst possible way.    I worry about the future and how  I’ll never be able to find a job or find love.

I accept that I cannot live alone, but even with that in mind, it’s a situation that is forced on me because of factors beyond my control.  Sometimes I need to be alone, but my need to socialize is greater. It’s not that I can’t take care of myself as far as cooking, cleaning, managing money and personal hygiene is concerned.  I just hate my own company, because it forces me to think and there’s little or no way of distracting myself from such overpowering thoughts.

I was actually starting to get better when I lived with my mum for 2 months last year and also with the host family for 6 weeks or so back in 2015.  While I sometimes chose to stay in my room, it was a great comfort to know that I could get away from myself whenever I needed to.  I didn’t need as much support, as far as mental health professionals go.  Though of course, life in the UK was considerably easier as my name and gender were legally changed back in January 2015, so there was never any risk of that ugly deadname ever coming up.

I was informed yesterday that Frontier are now offering internet, telephone and cable at this building.   Unfortunately, I cannot sign up for it until I’ve got the court order to change my name with Social Security. As badly as I want (need( the internet at home,  I’m not willing to open an account in the deadname.  I don’t even want to see that name on a bill.   

If the weather here didn’t keep turning cold again,  I’d be able to go out and sit outside the clinic and use their wifi in the evening and at night, but temperatures of less than 45 degrees will kill my phone battery within 10 minutes of usage.   Winters in Western New York are not only colder and more snowy than I’ve ever experienced, but are also very long.  It’s already mid April and it still gets colder here than than most parts of the UK in January.  It’s tolerable in sunny weather during the day, as long as there’s little or no wind.  But the wind can make it feel 20 degrees colder than it actually is and makes it impossible to stand still for more than a minute or so.

I committed myself to attending a cooking group at 11:30 this morning, even though I don’t need to learn how to cook. I hope the guy that talks too much and too loudly won’t be there.   He makes me feel very uncomfortable and stopped saying hello to me just because I can’t always respond.  I hope I won’t be asked to do anything, because I am too clumsy and liable to drop or break something, especially if there’s an audience.  

The cute young guy with the ginger beard hair who I assumed hated me held the door for me yesterday and asked how I was.  Now I see that he probably just has social anxiety, as I do.   People who I find attractive often make me nervous.  I know I’d have absolutely no chance with him and he’s pretty short, which would make it difficult because of how much I loathe my height.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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