Too ugly for the real world 

After I got back from the coffee shop, I couldn’t go to bed because I was too awake.  I’d had too much caffeine and had been in bed depressed all day the day before. I ended up talking to Liz, who is also a resident.   I’d spoken to her once before and we talked for 2 hours or so. A couple of others joined in.  I went to sleep around 1am and still woke up at 4am.   I don’t know why I can never get enough sleep.

One of the support workers took me grocery shopping earlier.  I bought enough for the next week or so. I’ve got pretty good a planning meals and buying no more or no less than I need. I came to the clinic for the lunch and to use the wifi.  I complained about the security guard that accused me of loitering.   They agreed that I wasn’t doing anything of the sorts.

I still feel bad from what I went through on Sunday and Monday.  Even though my brain has processed it, it’s left me feeling drained and utterly embarrassed.  It’s also made me realize that as lonely as I am, I can’t risk letting anyone in, even if the opportunity arises and I meet someone that I like.    The pain caused by loneliness is bad, but it’s the pain that I know. Dating and meeting people is just too great of a risk.  I’m too easily triggered and either I mustn’t be explaining my triggers well enough for people to understand or maybe they just don’t care.  I need to socialize, but meeting new people causes so much fear and anxiety that I hardly think it’s worth putting myself through it.

Come July, I’ll have been here in Rochester for a year.  This is the longest I’ve been in p e place since I left South Florida in January 2015. I’ve not even come close to finding anyone that I can truly connect with or anyone that made me feel comfortable.  I don’t want to move again, because I’ll have the same problem wherever I go.  I’m just not good enough; I’m too depressed, too scared, too weird and too ugly.  The few people that I’ve met have done more harm than good, even if I was the one who sabotaged the connection (usually for very valid reasons or to protect myself).

I can’t deny that I’m lonely though and that it hurts to be around other people, watching them experience many of the things that I was denied and will most likely never experience.  I know that as I get older, the pain caused by having to ‘watch’ is going to intensify. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to get old.

All I can do right now is take each day as it comes.  Thinking about the future just causes depression on top of more depression.  The only way I can even come close to coping is just to avoid all triggers and stay in my own little world as much as humanly possible, because I’ve given up on the real world.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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