Why can’t people just leave me the hell alone?

I have a new problem now: the security guard at the clinic told me that I was loitering, which means I can’t stay beyond 5pm to can’t use the internet in the evenings when I feel the most lonely and in need to at least get on Facebook or WordPress for a few minutes to break up the otherwise long evenings.   I don’t know why he’s suddenly decided to be an asshole, unless someone complained.  I wonder how he’d like it if he had to go home to an empty apartment totally cut off from the world. And I’m hardly ‘loitering’.  I’m a patient there and I’m there almost every day.  That security guard is a loudmouth asshole, as is the other one who patrols that area.  While they’ve never misgendered me, they throw around gendered pronouns constantly at a place where there are many transgender patients, some of whom aren’t fully out yet and some of whom who are non-binary and might be upset by being called sir or ma’am.  I’m actually going to complain about that and the fact that they harassed me for the second time.  I wish people would just leave me the hell alone; I’m not hurting anyone.  I’ve given up on making friends here, so I want no human contact aside from therapists and support workers. Everyone else just makes my existence more difficult.   There is one other client at the clinic I talk to. He’s an ex military guy who I couldn’t believe was 47 when he told me his age. He thought I was still in my 20’s, which I wasn’t going to argue with.  I don’t know why people assume I’m still in my 20’s. My face looks like a beaten up football, though I have no grey hairs yet.

Since I’m up and about and have too much restless energy,  I’m going to the coffee shop for a while, unless it’s really busy.  The weather here has warned up significantly. It was 80 degrees yesterday – a day when I wanted to be out in the sun, not in my apartment depressed out of my skull. I had plans to go to the local park and run, then find a shady spot to read my book.  The only thing I’m worried about is that I think schools might be off for Easter break and I absolutely do not want to run into any kids or teenagers as I’m scared of them.   It’s a good job that one of the support workers are taking me grocery shopping tomorrow as I wouldn’t be able to get on a bus if kids were present.  I know most people don’t understand why I’m so afraid of them, but it stems from childhood bullying that I still have flashbacks from.  The only kid that I’ve really connected with was my ex girlfriend’s son, who became my best friend at the time.  He often defended me and was remarkably mature for a 9 year old.    But it still took time for me to get over my anxiety with him and I was terrified of his friend, so much so that I’d hide in the bedroom when he came over; which my ex didn’t understand.  I’m also scared of children because they have far less of a filter than adults do.

It doesn’t get dark now until 8:15pm, which makes life harder for me if I ever need to go out in the evening.  I need anonymity. I don’t want to have to run into WEPs on the street or their offspring.

I made it anyway.    I’m at my “safe place” coffee shop, where I plan on making this coffee last until closing time.  I took a shot of the Rochester skyline and the expressway and another of the pink sky. 

The coffee shop has a more relaxing ambiance in the evening: 


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

1 thought on “Why can’t people just leave me the hell alone?”

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