I have Italian ancestry on my dad’s side, specifically San Marino, which is its own principally, landlocked in the middle of Italy. I’ve never been there and I don’t speak Italian. I know very little about that side of my family.
Anyway, in the dream I had last night, I was living in San Marino. The national football (soccer) team had just recorded a historic 4-1 win against Switzerland in a World Cup qualifier, which was unprecedented, as the national team hardly ever wins, because it is the equivalent of a team from a small town. I was heavily pregnant and going into labor. In the early hours of the following morning, I gave birth to my first and only child. It was a girl; I named her Claudia. I did not know, nor did I care who the father was, but my dad was not happy about it I remember she had my green eyes and that she was a perfectly healthy baby, with none of the birth defects or afflictions that I was cursed with. After that, I recall her being taken away from me against my will, for some sort of baptism ceremony. My dad was behind it, which is weird because he isn’t a catholic or religious at all. I was frantically trying to find out where Claudia was, but I couldn’t find her. Then I woke up, but it took me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream.
I always wanted to be a parent, even when I was a child myself. Now that it’s totally out of reach and not achievable, I feel even more hopeless than I did before. Despite my problems. I think I would’ve been a good parent. I would’ve made mistakes along the way, but I would have avoided the same mistakes that my own parents made with me and I would’ve encouraged my children to believe in themselves and reach their greatest potential. If I had more than one child, there would have been no favoritism and no designated ‘problem child’. I would have raised my children to respect others and to be accepting of those who are different. I would never have forced gender stereotypes on my children. I would’ve raised them as people, not boys or girls.
Even though I’ve always wanted children, the urge has grown stronger over the last 2 years. Being around babies and pregnant women in particular makes me feel extremely sad, as does not being physically able to give birth, because it’s unlikely that medical advances will be made to give transgender women a full female reproductive system anytime soon. And even if that were possible, it would only be available to those with lots of money to finance it.
Part of the reason why I am more reluctant to go out during weekends and holidays is that it even hurts to be around families with children. It’s a painful reminder of what I’ll never have and what I never really had when I was a child myself: a stable and loving family.
Few people understand why I feel this way. I even find that fiction can be triggering, if the story involves pregnancy or families with children. It’s why I had to stop reading the novel Irish Cream. I don’t fully understand why it affects me now, when even if I were a cisgender woman with a female reproductive system, it would be somewhat late in life for me to conceive, especially as I am not mentally stable and I’m not even in a relationship, because relationships seem out of reach to me.
This just reinforces how pointless my existence is, without children or a partner to help me raise them. When I grow old and my parents are gone, I will have no one. I won’t even have nieces or nephews, because even if any of my half siblings became parents, I’m not in contact with any of them. Such half nieces or nephews would be nothing more than strangers to me on the other side of the world.
I hope I’ll get to be a mom in my next life. I hope my next life will be boring and normal. Unselfishly, it’s for the best that I can’t procreate anyway. I would not want my children to have to suffer the same way that I did / do, because my defective genes would be passed down to them. Though in my dream, Claudia was a beautiful health baby, with none of my defects. She could’ve grown up and had the life that I was denied and I would’ve been happy for her, not envious.