I went to stand outside the clinic to publish my previous blog entry and check my email and now wish I hadn’t until tomorrow. My mum has done it again, telling me she doesn’t think that it’s a good idea that I come back to the UK.
I lost it so much that I spat out 3 emails to her, telling her that I’m going to cease contact with her immediately, before I start hating her. She isn’t going to help; get that. But now she is hindering me and her cynicism is pushing me closer to giving up completely. I know that a cisgender person cannot understand the pain a deadname can cause, but she doesn’t even try to understand. Why would she do this to me? Why did she tell me about the assessment appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic in London, knowing how important that was to me and knowing that she had no intention of helping me return to the UK? And she knows damn well that my UK passport counts for nothing here when it comes to changing my name in the United States.
If I can’t get that court order, I have to take my own life. Perhaps then my mother will understand how big of a deal this is / was to me. I feel so broken and defeated.