I feel like shit . Add “internet access at home” to to list of things I can’t get or can’t do, unless I can get a court order to force Social Security to change my name to what it should be. I explained to my therapist this afternoon how much this issue is preventing me from moving forward and I think he understands.
Just like every evening, here I am trying to kill time, until it’s time for me to medicate myself to sleep. I have absolutely no purpose and all of my hope is gone. I told my therapist that I hope the scans. I had reveal a tumor and how I would flat out refuse treatment if that were the case. I can only hope, but people seem to get upset when I express my desire to die that way, as opposed to suicide, which would cause my mother a lot more pain. I understand that it’s a sensitive topic and I understand how difficult it must be to lose a loved one to a terminal illness, but I am lost cause and I do not want to live. I wish I could donate my life to a terminally ill person who wanted to live. Life is cruel, because the wrong people usually die.
There was a car accident on the street outside earlier. The driver didn’t look badly hurt, but I felt so bad for her. The emergency services responded quickly and wheeled her off in a stretcher. An hour later, another ambulance appeared. This time it was for one of the residents of this building, but I’m not sure what happened to him.
I’ve been here nearly a month and I’ve not really connected with any of the other residents. The one woman I spoke to seemed upset that I wasn’t wearing the bracelets she gave me, but I felt too embarrassed to try to explain that I have difficulty tying things (I don’t even find tying shoelaces easy). They’re too loose for my small wrists and I can’t adjust them. I guess she took it personally or something. I attended both community meetings, but I’ve not attended any of the groups. I just don’t feel comfortable.
My blood pressure is nice and fucked though. I took this reading earlier – it’s the highest I’ve seen it: