An unwanted existence, stuck in limbo

I feel like shit .  Add “internet access at home” to to list of things I can’t get or can’t do, unless I can get a court order to force Social Security to change my name to what it should be.  I explained to my therapist this afternoon how much this issue is preventing me from moving forward and I think he understands.

Just like every evening, here I am trying to kill time, until it’s time for me to medicate myself to sleep.  I have absolutely no purpose and all of my hope is gone.  I told my therapist that I hope the scans. I had reveal a tumor and how I would flat out refuse treatment if that were the case.  I can only hope, but people seem to get upset when I express my desire to die that way, as opposed to suicide, which would cause my mother a lot more pain.  I understand that it’s a sensitive topic and I understand how difficult it must be to lose a loved one to a terminal illness, but I am lost cause and I do not want to live.  I wish I could donate my life to a terminally ill person who wanted to live.  Life is cruel, because the wrong people usually die.

There was a car accident on the street outside earlier.  The driver didn’t look badly hurt, but I felt so bad for her.  The emergency services responded quickly and wheeled her off in a stretcher. An hour later, another ambulance appeared.  This time it was for one of the residents of this building, but I’m not sure what happened to him.

I’ve been here nearly a month and I’ve not really connected with any of the other residents.  The one woman I spoke to seemed upset that I wasn’t wearing the bracelets she gave me, but I felt too embarrassed to try to explain that I have difficulty tying things (I don’t even find tying shoelaces easy).  They’re too loose for my small wrists and I can’t adjust them. I guess she took it personally or something.  I attended both community meetings, but I’ve not attended any of the groups. I just don’t feel comfortable.

My blood pressure is nice and fucked though.  I took this reading earlier – it’s the highest I’ve seen it:

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

3 thoughts on “An unwanted existence, stuck in limbo”

  1. I’ve felt like I’ve been “in limbo” without purpose for years too. Been having trouble finding myself. I had tried getting out of my comfort zone, but I ended up clinging a little, and becoming restless over other people, unable to help them.

    Ultimately, we have to find and prepare ourselves to be of any help, no matter how much we think we have to give. Inside-out. Centered but not self-centered.

    I’m not sure if this comment helps.

    Like

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