Dreading tomorrow (Monday)

I’m absolutely dreading tomorrow. It is one of the 2 very pivotal days that was supposed to happen 2 weeks ago, but the local Social Security office closed at noon that day and we were too late, so it didn’t happen.

I have therapy first thing in the morning, then attempt #2 to visit to Social Security to change my name and a radiology appointment at hospital. The one I’m dreading the most is Social Security. I’m terrified that they’re going to tell me they either need a court order, or the new green card that with my correct name and gender marker on it. The card could take months to get here, even though everything has been done, as would getting a court order. My care manager is coming with me and will hopefully do the talking. I hope they’ll let me wear noise cancelling headphones, so as not to have to hear that name or any misgendering associated with it. When that happened at my last hospital appointment, it caused me to have a major panic attack and I hurt myself. People don’t seem to understand what damage that name does to me, whenever I hear it or even see letters or prescription bottles with it on. Especially 3 1/2 years into transition and having changed it in the UK over 2 years ago. That deadname may end up being the catalyst that kills me in the end. Until it’s changed as far as Social Security is concerned, I can’t even begin to move forward.

I only slept for 3 hours last night. I’ve been awake since 2:30am. I thought I’d sleep well, having been out for much of yesterday afternoon and having taken 3 Seroquel pills to knock me out before the evening / nighttime depression got any worse.

The book I’m now reading, Irish Cream hasn’t captured me yet. There’s nothing triggering in the story so far though.

I’m only going out once today, maybe much later just to publish this garbage and to check my email and Whatsapp. The internet was working again when I stood outside the clinic last night after leaving the coffee shop. At least that coffee shop is a ‘safe place’ that I can go to, to get online. There were a lot of hipsters in that coffee shop, but they seemed harmless and no one even so much as noticed me or my ugliness.

I took these pictures on the walk back from the coffee shop as it started snowing again:

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Author: Becca

Trans chick lost and alone in the world.

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