A nudge towards the inevitable (3/15/17)

** TRIGGER WARNING **

My thoughts are tormenting me more relentlessly than the snow that’s been blowing outside since Monday night.  While talking to the lady I met last night in the foyer area of the apartment building, she said something that has been playing on my mind all day:

“If it weren’t for the support of my friends and all the hugs I’ve gotten, I would have killed myself.”

I didn’t doubt her for one second.  I wanted to tell her all about the last 5 months of my life and how lonely and isolated I’ve been, but I couldn’t find the words.  I was afraid to break down in front of her, though I almost did.  Would she have comforted me or walked away?  Because honestly, I wish someone other than people online or people paid to listen to me would see my pain, rather than just the ugly, scary freak that I am on the outside, or a walking joke.  

As soon as I got back to my room after going out to use the wifi at Dunkin Donuts earlier, my mood took a nosedive.  I couldn’t even read my book, because I kept breaking down in tears.  I believe what was said to me last night was a message telling me that it’s okay to end my life and that people will understand.  Loneliness alone can cause someone to commit suicide, but it is one of 9-10 reasons why I want (need) to die.  That lady would’ve killed herself already, if she’d been in my position.  And the way I see it is that even if she was as lonely as I am, she’d still have far more to live for than I do.

She also told me something that worried me.  She’s cisgender and normal compared to me, but because she wears black and has piercings, she said that some of the residents here had been talking shit about her and that the one time, she reacted and almost got in trouble.  It made me not only feel bad for her, but also paranoid that if they’re talking shit about her, then god knows what they’ve said about me.   Something like that would be enough to send me past the point of no going back.   

Either way, I’m screwed.  I’m lonely because I can’t talk to people, but when I do talk to people, there’s always risk of being unintentionally triggered by something they say.

Not much longer now.  I just have to keep myself from going insane until the time is right.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

2 thoughts on “A nudge towards the inevitable (3/15/17)”

  1. I think she probably would have comforted you. I get that you believe you’re far gone, but you never know unless you try. All human beings have value… so if you do end up crying in front of someone you can trust, it would be better than the worst. Honesty is key to improving things. Depression lies.

    Liked by 1 person

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