If I make it out to publish this, it’ll be a miracle, given the fact that the temperature outside is hovering just above single digits and it looks like there’s wind too. I have to get out though, even if it’s just for 30 minutes, which will be enough to publish this and check my email and Facebook.
It took me forever to fall asleep last night. I lay in bed in the dark with the fuzzy sounding local FM alternative radio station playing to try to drown out my thoughts. I hate Imagine Dragons and the station keep playing one of their songs over and over. Aside from the recent music that the station plays, they play a lot of songs from the 90’s and early-mid 00’s – what I consider to be my ‘era’. I can almost close my eyes and imagine it’s still 2001 (I wish). I don’t even keep up with music anymore; everything in the charts seems to sound the same. Rochester seems to have a decent selection of FM radio stations though, especially for a medium sized city. I eventually fell asleep around midnight, courtesy of Seroquel.
I woke up at 4:30, got up at 6am and boiled eggs for breakfast. I did my exercises and came back to bed. It looks like the Arctic outside my window. I wish winter would end already. If it were warm or just mild, I could use the guest WiFi at my clinic and just sit on one of the benches outside, even when they’re closed. Secondly, I HATE wearing coats and layers. Such clothing makes me look much bigger than I am and I hate looking big as well as tall (and I hate being tall). My body is naturally curvy and I have wide hips for someone assigned male at birth, so I don’t lkle to bury it beneath layers of clothing. I would rather cover up my ugly face and show my body instead. One aspect of living in South Florida that I miss is that I could wear summer clothing almost all year round. I didn’t own any coats until 2010, then I only bought one when S and I went to Paris in March of that same year (the best 7 days of my life, I might add).
When I get back from going out, I’m going to make vegetarian chilli. Cooking is one of the few things that I’m good at, despite my clumsiness. Then I’ll probably read some more of Second Glance, although I’m already half way through it.
There’s a coffee morning for the community tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll go, because I’ll just feel invisible again, which in turn will add to my pain and frustration at being unable to connect. I don’t think anyone likes me here anyway and I get bad vibes from some of the other residents. I feel very uneasy around people in general.
I feel very hopeless about the future, but I’ll vent my thoughts in a separate blog entry, as this one is long enough.
And yes, I made it out….15 degrees/ cold as fuck.