My attempts to connect with other people in my community have failed. As always, people ignore me or just breeze past me as if I were a ghost. They all seem to know each other already, proving how ugly, socially inept and how much of a freak that I am.
I had 2 panic attacks: one last night and one this morning. Both were triggered by my discomfort around other people and feeling ugly, invisible and frustrated with myself for my inability to connect. I cried on and off last night for what must’ve been hours. My eyes are sore and the skin clinging to my ugly face looks more worn and frayed and disgusting than usual.
People don’t like me – I can feel it and I’m not imagining it. I feared this might happen, because I have never fit in anywhere in the past, so why should the present be any different? Especially as I’m probably more socially inept and scared of people than I’ve ever been.
I was supposed to go grocery shopping to Walmart with the group this morning, but after waiting down there for a while, I felt panic attack #2 coming on, so I bolted back to my apartment, just as I was about to get on the minibus. I’ve run out of food and really needed to go, but dealing with new people (people that probably hate me and see me as a freak) and going to a store that I’ve never been to before was all too much. Fortunately, one of the members of staff is taking me alone later. I won’t go without food, but I will continue to deteriorate, devoid of human company.
On another note, I’m not sure whether it’s good or bad, but I had an email from S (my ex-wife) this morning. She is clearly struggling, but I doubt that she will let me in to help her, even if that help is just me listening (something I failed to do while we were married. She said “Sorry for everything”, though she is the last person on earth to owe me any kind of apology. I hope I didn’t upset her when I replied “Sorry for what? Giving me the best years of my life?”.
I can’t cope without internet access at home. I didn’t realize how vital it was to me until I found myself without it. The internet is the only place where I can feel a slight connection with the outside world. I am only alive as an online entity and to people paid to listen to me. The loneliness is overpowering and I’m losing control.
As if I wasn’t feeling bad enough, I’ve just been handed mail from my health insurance company, in my deadname….
Dead to the world, dead inside.