The ‘deadname’ strikes again

Unfortunately, my fate isn’t decided yet, as I’d hoped it would be by this point in time.  The last 2 days have been sheer hell and I don’t really want to go into it too much, because it pains me to even think about what happened and what still needs to happen.

The issue is that my ‘deadname’ (male name assigned at birth) came back to haunt me yesterday, while at a hospital appointment.  My deadname was still in their records and it caused the receptionist to misgender me.  My fight or flight response kicked in and I left my care manager to deal with the receptionist.  I had a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the waiting room, which embarrassed the crap out of me.  The records have been changed, but the damage is done. Incidentally, the only place here that I’ve ever been misgendered was that same hospital and for the same reason.

In addition, the Social Security office was closed today, so now I’ve got to wait for my care manager to be able to take me another time.  I’d been mentally psyching myself up to go there for the last 10 days, all for nothing.  I’m now extremely worried, because even though Homeland Security (top of the hierarchy as far as my records are concerned) have changed my name and gender marker, I was told by a care manager that I might hit a brick wall, because Social Security may need a court order.  I don’t understand this, because none of the 3 attorneys I spoke to told me that I’d need one, because my name change was an immigration issue.  Social Security, DMV and medical / insurance records HAVE to match my records at Homeland Security, so it doesn’t make sense why I’d need to go to court.  Still, I’m now going to worry myself stupid over this, as if I don’t have enough to worry about.

I still have no internet access at home, which is proving to be a major problem.  When I got back to my apartment last night, I had a total meltdown which seemed to last forever.   The loneliness is worse than it was at the motel, because I no longer have internet access and no one at the apartment building seems approachable.  I miss being able to talk to my mum and my online friends; I miss being able to listen to music and watch stuff on YouTube.

For the past few nights, I’ve been taking my medication extremely early, so that I just fall asleep, because the nights are literally maddening.  The problem with that is that I wake up at 3am (or earlier) and can’t get back to sleep, so I just lie there in the dark, being tormented by my thoughts.

I’ve quite literally been praying to god every night for death; preferably a natural death, rather than death by my own hands.  I don’t want to exist and I don’t need to exist.  My mum mentioned that she has made a will, but I asked her to remove my name from it. I do not want money from my mother dying and I’m not planning on sticking around.

I’m dreading the weekend.  The weather is going to be too cold to go far to use the internet.  I’m most likely going to be completely cut off from everyone again.  It is a horrible feeling, to be totally cut off and unable to contact anyone.  Since I don’t have $159 for internet installation costs for the only company that provides service to my building, I’m basically fucked.

The deadname rearing its UGLY head again has caused major dysphoria, even though the misgendering was (hopefully) caused by the receptionist reading a male name on the screen.  Either way, it’s brought back a flood of dysphoria that I don’t need right now…..it just adds to my pain.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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