Alone and disconnected from cyberspace

I don’t think thatThe Summer House is the right book for me.  Reading it just makes me sad for the life I never had and never will have.  The 3 women in the story may be aging and past their best days at least they got to experience ‘life’ and they were once beautiful and desired.  Perhaps if they’d made different choices in men and careers, they wouldn’t be so washed up and miserable at almost age 40.    I feel almost obligated to finish the book, even though it is making me feel even worse about my own existence than I already do.  The only plus is that Adderall has improved my ability to absorb information sufficiently to make reading easier.  I hate that even fiction can make me feel so awful about myself and my own life.

In therapy I expressed both relief at leaving the motel and sadness caused by both fiction and real life.  His suggestions flew over my head and far, far away.  I was looking for ways to avoid such things getting me down so much, but I didn’t get any answers.

T and I exchanged a few messages on Tinder while I was ‘connected’ earlier and I sent him photos I took of my apartment.  It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere though.  He hasn’t expressed any concrete desire to meet again, but he says he likes hearing from me and he calls me ‘babe’, which leaves me feeling confused.  It hurts though, because I crave real human connection, especially now that I don’t have internet access at home.  I feel extremely isolated at the moment because I can’t talk to my online friends or listen to music on Spotify.  My phone only works as a WiFi device, so it’s useless until I’m in a place with WiFi.

I feel very lonely right now and I’ve got too much energy – restless, bad, nervous energy.  With little to distract myself from my very dark and self-destructive thoughts, I’m going to have to get out of my pajamas and put on some real clothes so that I can run across to my clinic to access the free WiFi, when I will reconnect with cyberspace – the only place where I’m alive.

I made it out….it’s cold, wet and windy and I won’t be able to be out here for long.   How else can I kill time?

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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