If my writing triggers you, upsets you or gives you the wrong impression of me…

It’s bad enough having mental health and situational issues and going through situational hell, without having people attacking me for it, or making me feel guilty.   If my blog triggers you or upsets you, don’t read it and don’t follow me.  No one is forcing you to read what I write.   I put “*TRIGGER WARNING*” at the very beginning of any blog entry that I feel could be potentially triggering.

This blog is a place of uncensored and unfiltered honesty.  It is a dark place right now only because my life is a dark place right now.   When something good (or even great) happens to me, I will write about it.  I am neither a positive person or a negative person -‘I am real and I am honest.  I am tired of being pigeonholed.   

I have gone through 5 1/2 years of hell, which includes social isolation, marginalization, the loss of my soulmate, sexual assault, abandonment, homelessness, destitution, abuse, a suicide attempt and loss of independence and functionality.  Do not judge me or make me out to be some sort of lunatic basket case, especially if your shit isn’t in order either.  I don’t come here seeking pity, but it would be nice to find understanding rather than condemnation.  

For anyone who gives a damn enough to want to know, I am in therapy and I take my (many) pills like a good girl.  Even my therapist understands that my current situation (living alone in an unsafe place and socially isolated) is highly detrimental to my mental health and makes actual ‘therapy: impossible right now, at least until I’m in stable housing.  I am not a danger to anyone else – the only person I’d ever be a danger to is myself. 

Please refrain from judging me or making me out to be some sort of basket case.  Until you’ve walked in my shoes you have no right to judge.  And please don’t pretend that you care or that you wants to help, unless you’re sincere.   I don’t want friends or boyfriends to solve my problems, nor do I seek that.   I see good people as distractions and an opportunity to escape my head and get to know someone else.   It seems to be other people that feel the need to be saviors, who end up turning on me when they realize I don’t need to he saved by anyone.

I know that I’m an ugly, worthless piece of shit and that I’m emotionally scarred.   I know that I don’t deserve to have anyone in my life and that I deserve to get hurt and treated poorly.  You don’t need to remind me, but that doesn’t stop some people from doing so..  I know that I probably won’t get better, because the last few months especially have allowed me to clearly see that I don’t belong in this world and as a result, I’ll never be happy or find peace and solace.

So please just unfollow my bog or stop reading it, if what I write bothers you, triggers you or gives you the wrong impression about me as a struggling human being with no other outlet for her pain.  I neither want nor ask for anyone’s pity (pitying me actually hurts me).  Thank you for understanding.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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