This is going to be a difficult four days

It’s snower here again.   I hope it clears up by the time I need to male my weekly early Sunday morning trip to Walmart to buy groceries.

I’m finding it tough dealing with the buildup to Valentine’s Day. Whether it’s the commercials on television or posts on social media, it’s very difficult to avoid.  Sometimes I wonder if the day exists to kick lonely people while we’re already down.  Why do we need a day to celebrate love, which is something that many of us don’t have?

I hate being in this motel, especially on Friday and Saturday nights and weekends in general.  The other guests scare the crap out of me.  The constant noise is an anxiety and PTSD trigger and a misophonia trigger.  I’m too paranoid to wear my noise cancelling headphones, in case someone tries to break into my room (even though the rational part of my brain tells me that’s unlikely to happen).   People are shouting, running up and down the hallway, slamming doors and cars outside blaring out loud rap music – this is hell for me.    I hate that I’m totally confined to my room, because of the fear that people who clearly don’t give a shit about how their behavior affects others are more likely than most to cause me problems.  The last thing I want here is trouble, because I am totally alone and I don’t want them knowing what room number I’m in.

I’m tired of hearing “soon” and “not much longer” when the damage has been done.

I’ve taken so many steps back since I came back here last July.  Healing always takes longer than deteriorating-,mental wounds are just like physical wounds in that sense, only they’re more difficulty to heal.

Please can something good happen to me, for once?

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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