The reasons why I left the UK and why I want to go back

Certain people do not understand the reasons why I moved back to the United States, so I’ve made a list of the reasons why I did it.  Obviously, it was a massive mistake and a mistake I’m going to pay the ultimate price for.  People are very quick to judge me for why I moved yet again, without understanding and accepting the reasons why.  This includes my mother, who I’ve unfortunately had to stop talk to for a while as she was just making it worse. Anyway, the reasons are:

  1. I was devastated by and worried about Brexit and the impact on the future of the United Kingdom.  However, Brexit is most likely not going to be a threat to LGBT rights or healthcare.
  2. Holly and Stephanie had been encouraging me to come back to Rochester almost ever since I left the first time, which was around this time last year.  At the time, I had no reason not to trust them, although Holly telling me that I couldn’t stay with her should have been a huge red flag to stay where I was.
  3. I had no idea that I would end up in a motel room for months, socially isolated and getting worse as far as my mental and physical health is concerned.  The damage done over the last few months is quite possibly irreparable and I am worse now than I was back in July when I left the UK, despite the superior healthcare that I’m getting. I have no friends here and I’ve never been as scared or felt as worthless in all of my shitty life.
  4. I was receiving better healthcare and still am) as far as my mental health and transitional needs go here in New York.  Even though I was getting the medication I needed in the UK, I was not getting any support for mental health and I was being messed around by the Gender Identity Clinic when they lost my referral from the previous year.
  5. I honestly didn’t think that Trump would win, but I thought that even if he did, he wouldn’t go after the LGBT community.  Hillary was ahead in almost every poll at the time and up until the election.  It wasn’t close, like Brexit always was.
  6. I have a lot of ghosts and bad memories in the UK, but truth be told, they follow me wherever I go anyway; I simply prefer not to admit that and I run away so that I don’t have to face them head on.
  7. I did not want my mum shelling out almost £1,000 of her retirement savings on the flat in Grantham that I was set to move into.   I did not want the obligation of owing her a large sum of money that I might have not been able to pay her back. 
  8. I thought I would have a better chance of finding a job here eventually, but there aren’t many jobs in Rochester and  I’ve become even less functional and capable of working due to the worsening on my mental health, particularly PTSD and severe anxiety.  
  9. Lastly, one of the main reasons why I have returned to the United States twice is that I am still chasing my ex wife’s ghost.  There was a part of me who thought that maybe there was a chance of us getting back together, but I think I’ve finally accepted that she’s gone, not only as a partner and soulmate, but also as a friend.  I still love her, but I have totally let go.  Therefore, she is no longer a factor as far as where I live is concerned.

I accept that I fucked up when I left the UK in July and I accept that it was probably one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made, if not THE worst.  But before you judge me for ‘Atlantic hopping’, please try to understand why I did it and why I am so desperate to go back to the UK, because it might be third time lucky.   I do not feel welcome in the United States and I fear that things are going to get so much worse for me here.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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