Even though I’ve let go, I still can’t get over you 

Music is probably my best and most reliable friend, but with many songs come memories.

I slept well last night, considering what happened to me.  As I usually do, I left Spotify playing randomly on my phone and fell asleep to my playlist.  When I woke up, the song ‘Shake It Out’ by Florence And The Machine was playing.  The song is one of the songs that remind me of S. for a split second, I thought she was sleeping next to me,/ so I rolled over to put my arm around her, only to find the same empty space on the side where she used to sleep on.  The pain quickly overwhelmed me and I broke down in tears, as if we’d only recently broke up.

How do you get over losing your soulmate and the only one you’ve ever loved?  No matter how many times I commit myself to getting over it, I can’t; something always brings me right back.  There is no future in living someone who stopped loving me well over half a decade ago.

Although it’s unlikely, I hope that she isn’t reading my blog entries.  I’ve never written anything negative amour her; on the contrary.  But she would be mortified and extremely angry to know that I still feel this way about her.  If we’d just been able to talk about what happened openly, it would’ve at least help me achieve closure and move on. But she doesn’t owe me that, considering the terrible deception on my part and my betrayal of her trust in me.  But I still want to now why she reacted the way she did , when i finally ‘broke’ and told her that I was transgender back in the summer of 2011.  I want to understand, because we were planning to separate and had talked about it before she found out about my gender identity.  We’d been living as little more than roommates for years prior to that , which was largely my fault.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I did talk to my therapist amour her during the last but one session with him, but I completely broke down in tears and cools barely being myself to talk about how important she was to me.

Enough said.  I’m still paranoid that she’s reading my blog, although I shouldn’t flatter myself to believe so.  I have let go, but I can’t seem to move on.  My life before her was pointless enough, but all I have left now is a giant void, an empty bed and a heart broken into too many pieces to be put back together again.

I just miss you.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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