BPD, forgiveness and overreacting 

I slept for 9 hours straight last night, which is the longest I’ve slept in a while.  Mind you, I did t sleep a all the previous night, due to my racing mind.  I had a dream about being in some sort of Tolkien-esque  world of castles and enormous mountains.  I wish that I could’ve just stayed there.  

I didn’t manage to go out yesterday due to my anxiety.  Going out today is highly unlikely, due to it being the weekend (weekends = more people).  I have enough food until tomorrow night, but I really do need to leave this room for a while, as these four walls keep closing in on me.

I made peace with the trans-guy friend I fell out with the other day, when something that he said triggered me.  When I re-read what he wrote and talked to a friend about it, I realized that I’d overreacted and that I took what he’d said totally the wrong way.  He’s actually really nice and he has BPD too, so he understands why I reached the way that I did.

I talked to my best friend yesterday about how I’m prone to overreaching and taking things completely the wrong way.  She said she’d be willing to help me determine whether I’m overreacting or not, before I confront the individual (or individuals).  It is a BPD trait and one that I wish that I could rid myself of, as it has ruined many existing and potential connections with people that I so badly need now.

I need to be more forgiving of people, but I don’t know how to go about that.  There are people that I simply cannot forgive right now, due to the damage they’ve caused to my already damaged mental health and because of the living situation I now find myself in.  I’ve been told that I should forgive myself first, but I can’t even do that.  It’s also my fault that I’m in this situation and no one forced me to trust and depend on certain people (in fact, I was advised against doing so).  I’m even more to blame than they are, for ultimately fucking up my life with the poor choices I’ve made with regard to people.  But forgiveness has to be earned and I haven’t even come close to earning or deserving my own forgiveness. 


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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