When you don’t fit in, even among others with similar issues 

I had to leave a BPD supper group on Facebook earlier today.  I posted something there this morning about my frustrations with the transgender and wider LGBT community and how that has impacted my BPD and mental health.

At first, the responses were good. But then people started doing exactly what I’d asked them NOT to do – they started talking about acceptance and making assumptions that my life must be difficult because I’m transgender. And I got the usual “keep being you” pat on the back, which is insulting and invalidating, just like being told that I’m brave.

Unfortunately, there were members of the LGBT community in the group, including transgender people.  As I grew increasingly frustrated that no one was listening to what I was saying, the swarming attacks began. I was called rude, told to leave the group by people who weren’t even moderators and told to move to Russia by a lesbian (lesbians and gay men are often extremely biphobic and transphobic, from experience).

I got upset and lost it.  A couple of people from the group messaged me afterwards and just validated my insecurities pertaining to how ugly I am.

I feel like nobody on earth understands me or my point of view.  People see the transgender community as a place of vulnerable people that would never hurt a fly, but I’ve had so many bad experiences with transgender people across the spectrum since I finally came out in June 2013 and started seeking support.  I got absolutely nothing in terms of support when I needed it during my first 2 years of transition, especially.  The transgender individuals I met all hurt me, whether it was intentional or unintentional.

I thought I’d found a degree of solace in that group, until I made the mistake of discussing my problems with the transgender and LGBT community. Of course people will get offended by that or will misconstrue it as hate-based transphobia when it is more of a fear of transgender people and resentment for the way I’ve been treated.  I wish I’d have remained stealth in that group, because it was a place to discuss BPD Issues and I could relate to many of the people there.

I’m always held to much higher standards than others when it comes to how I behave. BPD, PTSD and the transgender curse are a bad combination.  People don’t get that I don’t want to talk about transition.  I’m not interested in transgender groups or transgender friends. I wish people would stop pushing it on me every time I express how lonely and worthless I feel.  Unfortunately, when so many people in a particular group hurt you (intentionally or not), you’re going to start fearing that group and wanting nothing to do with them.  If you want to accuse me of internalized transphobia, I won’t argue with you, but it’s borne out of fear for my own mental health and wanting to avoid my biggest trigger, not hatred.

I’m fed up with not fitting in anywhere.   I don’t like feeling marginalized and socially isolated. I can no longer chalk it down to bad luck that I’ve never been able to find solace in the LGBT community or among other people with mental illnesses.  I accept that it’s me; I’m broken, ugly and have nothing to offer as a friend or anything more.  It’s less to do with being transgender and more to do with being defective and unworthy of anything more than words on a screen.  All the therapy and all the medication in the world will never help me fit in, when I’m obviously so defective and physically repulsive to people. Spending the holidays completely isolated was a wake up call: welcome to the rest of your life.

It is human nature to need to fit in.  Those who claim otherwise have probably never been marginalized or faced prolonged social isolation and loneliness.   Those who glorify being diffewnt are almost certainly people who have a choice and a degree of privilege.  

#ThereIsNoHelp #TransButNotProud 

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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