The need for regular socializing to help me move on

I had a weird dream about being in London during the 90’s Britpop era. I was being driven around in a Mini by a guy that must’ve been my boyfriend.  He looked somewhat like Richard Ashcroft, from The Verve (I’ve always found him attractive), but he had a genetic west London accent.  We were listening to a Suede song on the radio.

I think I missed therapy yesterday afternoon; I always get thrown off when it’s not on a Wednesday.  I really needed to see my therapist too, because I wanted to discuss letting go of my ex-wife and I just plain need to vent off to someone (in person).

One of my friends made a very good observation when we were messaging each other last night.  She said that I significantly perk up after socializing.  She’s absolutely right; my mood improves for up to 24 hours, though it usually wears off much sooner than that. Having local friends will make life so much easier for me and due to being an ambivert, I’d appreciate my periods of solitude , rather than dread them and fall apart.  I need both, but too much of one (particularly solitude) is very bad.

I thought about joining a library, but until I get a New York license and an actual address, I won’t be able to.  There’s a huge library downtown that is only a 15-20 minute walk from where I’ll hopefully be living soon. I’ll go every day, even if
I have to wait to actually join.  Besides, I want to test how much Adderall has improved my attention span by attempting to read.  I wish I could get my Kindle back, but Stephanie still has it, along with my broken laptop.  I just know that the ability to read fiction will take my mind off my realty and may inspire me to write.  

I am probably not going to leave my room today, but I’ll go to the grocery store either tomorrow or Thursday, when the temperature will hit 50.  The days here at the motel seem to drag on forever, yet time still flies.   I will probably take Seroquel at noon to lock myself out for some of today.  

I’ve been talking to a guy I met on Tinder since before Christmas.  It’s slow going and he never seems to have time to meet.  He offered to meet me at the motel, but I really don’t want to meet anyone here and it kind of seems very secretive.  I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘secret’ and I made that very clear to him.   He’s a cool guy,(and cute) but I can’t help but think he is doing what all men do; seeing me as an experiment.  I’ve offered to meet him at a nearby Starbucks, but I’m not going to keep pressing the issue.  What I don’t need is another online friend.

It turns out that I didn’t miss therapy after all; it’s tomorrow.  So I just need to get through today, somehow.

I guess it’s relevant to include a link to my favorite song by The Verve, ‘Sonnet’.  It makes me think of unrequited love and how I need to work on letting someone go:


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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