I’ve been awake since 3:30am. I had a dream involving being reunited with S, but of course she wasn’t there when I woke up. I’m not sure why my mind has to continue tormenting me even in dreams, but I wish it would stop.l
As much as I try not to dwell on it, spending Christmas and New Years alone and isolated has done significant damage to my already negative self-worth. There is no relief that it’s over; only wounds that will never get the chance to heal. I accept that I’m at fault, as are the bad genes that made me so ugly. I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with me either.
I can’t connect with anyone anymore. I’ve given up with dating sites. I would never habe the confidence to meet anyone in person anyway. I just wanted to make connections with people, but that hope has gone.
More soul-crushing solitude today. I go to the clinic tomorrow. I’m still 50/50 on whether to just ask to be admitted to hospital. This living situation is making me ill and it’ll only get worse. I can’t deal with this level of social isolation and I think that most people would struggle with it, even if they didn’t have a mental illness.
I still don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel; this tunnel just keeps getting deeper, darker and more dangerous. I feel so far beyond ‘worthless’. It’s as if I’m dead to the human race at large, but still alive at the same time. The word ‘marginalized’ doesn’t even cut it anymore. – I feel like I don’t even exist.