Wishing that I could bury my attraction to men

I honestly don’t believe that I’ll ever find love again.  As an ugly transgender woman with mental illness, I’m truly bottom of the pile.

Dating sites used to be a good distraction, but I’m getting tired of seemingly the same guys asking for the same things: fun, NSA, FWB and hookups.  I feel like I get treated this way by men because I’m transgender and because they will never see me as more than an experiment or a bit of fun. It’s got to the point that it’s making me angry and I’ve already lashed out at a couple of guys who did it to me today; one on Tinder and one on OK Cupid.

I’d only talk to women if I thought I’d have a chance with any of them.  I can’t see myself ever being able to find just a regular guy who treats me like a human being and isn’t clingy, isn’t a stalker and doesn’t have some sort of weird fetish.  Chasers are the worst too – men attracted specifically to trans women.  I :don’t get it and I don’t want to get it.

I really do wish I was only attracted to women.  I wish I could just give up the idea of having a boyfriend and just stick to women. I suppressed my attraction to men for years before I transitioned.   I wish I could do it again, but it’s impossible, in reality. 

The worst women will do is reject me or ignore me.  I wish I could’ve just stayed with my ex wife. She’s the only person I’ve ever loved anyway.

Rant over, sorry. I’m just feeling very much alone again and devoid of human company.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

3 thoughts on “Wishing that I could bury my attraction to men”

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