There’s no logical reason to carry on  

A combination of my transition and the trauma I’ve experienced over the last 5 1:2 years has caused me to become so easily triggered.  It’s one of the main reasons why I cannot deal with people anymore – the fear that they’ll say something unintentionally triggering.

I managed to walk to the convenience store last might.  Much of the snow had melted, but it still hasn’t been cleared from most of the sidewalks, so I had to walk along the side of the busy road.  I bought enough packaged, canned and frozen slop to last a few days.  I’m so tired of eating shitty food that I no longer want to eat at all.

While I’m still here, I want to try to adjust my sleep pattern to sleeping during the day.  This is to avoid being awake during the day, when the noise at this motel is at its worst.  Since I don’t have a job or a life, there’s no reason for ms to have to be awake during the day anyway (I’m sorry that I’m such a loser).  If I take enough Seroquel, I should be able to knock myself out for a few hours.  I just can’t stand the banging anymore, which is driving me insane (among other things).

I had a weird dream just now involving my stepdad and a girl I’d met.  We were all going on some sort of canal boat holiday.  He was laughing and joking with me; it felt like I was part of a normal family and had a normal life.  Then I woke up, to the four walls of my room illuminated by the glow of the television, alone.  The lingering headache still hasn’t gone away; it’s too early to get up, but too late to go back to sleep.

There is nothing ‘good’ left in my life.  This is a nightmare that I’m never going to wake up from.  Please give me the strength and courage to do what I need to do, before I totally lose my mind.  Please.


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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