“I know someday, you’ll have a beautiful life”

Woke up around 4:30am feeling like I’d been hit by a train.  I still have a lingering headache and I feel hung over, despite the fact that I don’t touch alcohol.   It has to be as a result of doubling the Prazosin dosage, as instructed by my psychiatrist.  It’s a drug used to treat PTSD, although I still had a nightmare last night that I cannot remember.  “How the fuck can you have PTSD having never been in combat”, I hear you say.  The answer is that I don’t completely understand why, aside from it being a lifetime of bad experiences. 

I managed to finally get my laundry done using the laundry facilities here at the motel.  Even though I went down there at just before 7am, there were people in the lobby and the laundry room, so I had to wait for them to leave.  Because I worry that people might steal my clothes, I hovered around the vicinity to keep watch.

I have to try to go out today, even if it’s just to the convenience store within walking distance.  The weather is milder now and some of last week’s snowfall has melted.  I don’t want to risk getting the bus to Walmart, because it’ll be packed with last minute Christmas shoppers. At least I don’t have to buy presents for anyone.  Hopefully, the people I’m spending Christmas Day with will be able to take me to an ATM again, as I now have no cash on me.

Speaking of money, my cash assistance has still not been reactivated.  My care manager isn’t back until next Tuesday.  I can survive for a few weeks on food stamps plus my dad’s money and the money I managed to raise on GoFundMe  but after that I’m going to be extremely fucked.

I wish I had books to read, or that I was able to get to a library.  If there was a library that I could get to, I’d go often.  My psychiatrist asked if my concentration and attention span have improved from taking Adderall, but it’s impossible to tell.  I can’t face watching television unless it’s for a specific program, as I find it triggering,especially during holiday season.  

S (my ex-wife) contacted me a couple of weeks ago because she wanted me to set up a spreadsheet for her.  Because I my laptop is broken and still at my ex-friend’s apartment, I couldn’t help her. I gave her the number of the motel just in case she felt like calling, but she hasn’t called or replied, so I’m not going to bother her anymore.  She’s long since moved on and seems like she’s doing well, so she doesn’t need me in her life as a reminder of how I took 9 years of her life that she will never get back.  I miss her though and I wish we could still be friends, as all I have now are 3-4 online friends who I’ve never met and will most likely never meet. I have a huge void in my life, which S left behind and unresolved, unreconciled feelings that I’m trying to work on in therapy.

Whenever I find myself remembering S, the song ‘Black’ by Pearl Jam springs to mind.  I’m not a very eloquent writer, so sometimes I use song lyrics to express how I’m feeling.  This is a very powerful song and it’s a song that I identify with, especially the final part that I have quoted below.  The video is of a live version, which really makes you appreciate how beautiful Eddie’s voice is:

“I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life
I know you’ll be a star
In somebody else’s sky
But why
Why
Why can’t it be
Why can’t it be mine.”

Yeah.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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