When you lose yourself by trying to ‘be yourself’

It’s 4am and I’ve been awake for the last two hours.  Since I can’t get back to sleep, now is as good a time as any to say a few things that I need to say.

In transitioning and attempting to be authentic as far as my gender identity goes, I have lost much of myself in the process.  I’m a shadow of my former self, in terms of my resilience, strength and adaptability.  A few people liked the old me; I don’t recall a time when I ever had to beg anyone to spend time with me.  My desire to fit in, blend in and appear ‘normal’ are also ore parts of my personality, just as my gender identity is. But it seems that I have to choose between one form of prison or another.  Many people seem to think that wanting to be normal and fit in is somehow, a bad thing.  But it’s funny how  most of the people who encouraged me to ‘be myself’ at the beginning of this awful journey are now long gone from my life. 

I do not like who I’ve become and I hate being transgender. I’ve gone from not giving a shit about what people think of me to caring far too much and being hyper-sensitive.  ‘ve gone from being someone who always worked for a living to a leech.  I’ve lost everything that was important to me: my wife, my job, my cat, my car, good friends and my invisibility.

Three and a half years of transition and it seems to count for nothing. Without any hope of SRS and with the voice that I have,  it’s always going to feel un-authentic anyway.  Nobody has any faith in me and I can’t remember the last time someone said “You’ve done well to get this far”.

I can’t and won’t go back. I do wish I’d tried harder to bury it though.  Perhaps I could have, if my life was otherwise good, in the sense of having a career and if S and if my ex-wife and I hadn’t drifted apart. I don’t agree with it, but I would have even tried conversion therapy to see if that could have rid me of this ‘curse’.  I get why some people choose not to transition.  Perhaps they don’t want to risk losing everything in the process, as I have.  Transitioning alone, without being stable in other aspects of your life is *not* something that I would recommend.  You need peer or partner support, a job and safe housing. 

I still want to die, just as I did before transition.  Some of the reasons why are different, but my desire to not exist is unchanged. When I do find the courage to take my life, please know that it will be my decision. I do not want anyone even remotely blamed for it.  My wish to die is as a result of the realization that I’ll never get to be myself and because I know that I’ll never be happy – not in this ugly body and not with this broken mind. 

Anyway, I’m done talking and have taken up enough bandwidth with this mindless drivel.   I hope that this blog will tell my story long after I’m gone and will help enact change, so that nobody else has to go through what I am going through.

I need to just…..go.  

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

1 thought on “When you lose yourself by trying to ‘be yourself’”

  1. I can’t sleep either. It sucks. I know what it’s like to want to die. Not for your reasons but my own. It’s cliche but you’re here with this life for a reason. You have an incredible story to share which is your own. I’ll be following you on here and look forward to what you write. Big internet hugs.

    Like

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