Transition for me has been a case of trading one awful prison for a different one – I’m still serving a life sentence for the crime of just being born.
People fail to realize that being normal (or at least giving off the illusion of normalcy) is also a core part of who I am. The old me used to be liked and had no problem making friends. The old me had a woman that loved me. The old me could walk and travel feeely. The old me could not only defend myself, but others too.
I would love to be a cisgender woman, raises as a girl. But that wasn’t the case – genetics fucked me over.
I look at older transwomen and most are alone and isolated. Is that the kind of future I want? No it isn’t. But am I willing to quit transition? No, but I honestly wish that I could. I’m no happier than I was 5 years ago and I’ve literally lost everything.
I wish this curse could be driven out of me. I wish I’d tried harder to fight it. Because people liked the old me. The old me was also invisible when I needed to be. I am a weak-ass, pathetic shadow of my former self – someone that was strong and someone that people would gravitate to.
People who tell you “be yourself” and people who claim to enjoy being different in some way are usually people who have a choice. I just want to fit in – that’s a core part of my identity as a human being. Is that so hard to understand? I’m tired of feeling like I have to seek acceptance.