I had to cancel on going to the trans group tonight. I felt bad, because the people I went with last time were going to pick me up again. But I decided against it, because I am worried about what I’m going to do about food and money over Christmas. They said they were going to a bar afterwards and I’m not in the right frame of mind for that, nor do I have the finances for it. Almost everyone gets sick of me in the end anyway.
I’ve failed at keeping friends, once again. I’m simply too far down in the hole to be able to relate to anyone and my depression scares most people away. I wanted to go out and socialize, but it is totally beyond me. If I were an introvert, I probably wouldn’t care so much about having to spend days on end isolated.
I want to die…I need to die. I should stop concerning myself with trying to make this existence livable, because it simply isn’t going to happen. Everyone would be far better off without me. I’m nothing but a useless burden and an ugly freak. The only person in my life that ever made this suffering worthwhile is no longer in my life.
My pain isn’t tangible to anyone else but me, which makes this even more difficult. If I were terminally ill and in pain, I’m sure those who care about me wouldn’t be telling me to carry on.
I should take what happened today as a clear indication that I have to give up. There are too many things wrong with me and wrong with the world I find myself trapped in. So it’s back to my plan of making sure that I’m gone by the end of the year, which doesn’t leave much time.
Fuxk this shit.