The Diary of a Hetero-romantic Pansexual Trans Girl

Today has been good. I got to have a hot meal at the clinic I go to and I got to hammer out a few nagging issues with my therapist.

I’ve realized that as bad as it sounds, pretending to he deaf and mute avoids misgendering.  I was sitting by a group of people and one approached me and asked the time.  I showed him my phone and he showed someone else.  Then he said to his friend who sat by me “She’s deaf and she can’t talk, so don’t think that she’s being rude”.  I didn’t know what to do at that point as he handed me back my phone.  They were briefly talking among themselves about how they admire people who are deaf or blind.  I didn’t want to blow my cover, so I waited and high tailed it out of there before any risk of encountering someone I know who might talk to me.

Therapy went well.  We mainly discussed the issues I’ve been having with my sexual/romantic orientation and my desire to only date men.  I devised a perfect label for myself:

Hetero-Romantic Pansexual (romantically attracted to men, sexually attracted to people across the gender spectrum).

We also talked about how I want to work again and by the first quarter of next year, assuming I’m in stable housing.  So it was a constructive therapy session.

I picked up my prescription for progesterone.  I’ve been wanting to get back on it for 2 years.  I took my first pill today;  I have to fake one every day for 10 days a month.  I’ll probably be extra moody and my food cravings will be worse, but it may lead to further breast development.  I’m a 34B right now and would love to get to a 34C. I’d have no desire to get implants if I got to a C cup.  I’m skinny anyway so bigger boobs would look weird and might give me back issues.

I decided to reactivate my Tinder account from when I was still in England.  I’ve already got chatting to a couple of lovely guys on there. So we will see what happens.  I’m still not looking for anything serious right now, but dating here and there would be a potentially healthy distraction and a chance for me to make friends, at the very least.

Tomorrow I’m meeting a trans guy that I’ve been talking to for a few days.  He said he’d be willing to go to the store with me as I feel less anxious when I’m with someone. We were going to meet up anyway.

I still feel bad about what happened with the girl I briefly saw, but it’s for the best and better that it ended now than further down the line.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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