Snowfall is something that usually lifts my mood and reawakens the childlike fascination I have for seeing the it cover the dull, dreary colors of the winter landscape with a pristine white carpet. It makes me think of Narnia.
I got hold of someone at the clinic who paid the motel bill until Tuesday. I don’t know what will happen after that.
After having two panic attacks this morning, the housekeeper banging on my door and almost managing to push it open, so she could ask about the bill AGAIN gave me another panic attack. I called the clinic again and they took care of it this time. I don’t know how many times I have to tell people that banging on my door is a sure-fire way to terrify me. Banging doors and the slamming of doors is a major misophonia trigger, so it’s not simply anxiety provoking.
I spoke to my mum on the phone (finally), but we ended up having a huge argument. I don’t think she understands the implications of the Trump thing on LGBT people like me. She probably thinks they’re just regular conservatives who won’t really take away my rights and possibly my transition. I told her about the incidents of unwanted approaches by men, but she seemed dismissive. I was freaking out and just hung up in the end, after she told me she couldn’t help me move back to England. I give up.
I’ve been frazzled and shaken all day. I still don’t feel right. I’ve turned off the television and switched off the lights so that I can watch the blizzard outside. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to get out tomorrow or Tuesday as I do not have suitable clothing or footwear.
Thing are looking really bad for me. With no escape route out of here, I fully intent to keep to my word about ending it before 2016 becomes 2017. There’s nothing left for me now and no one stopping me.