Snowstorms and Panic Attacks

Snowfall is something that usually lifts my mood and reawakens the childlike fascination I have for seeing the it cover the dull, dreary colors of the winter landscape with a pristine white carpet. It makes me think of Narnia.

But not even snowfall can lift my mood right now.  I’ve had an extremely stressful Sunday, caused by the fear of spending tonight sleeping rough, in sub-zero temperatures and a blizzard outside. 

I got hold of someone at the clinic who paid the motel bill until Tuesday.  I don’t know what will happen after that.

After having two panic attacks this morning, the housekeeper banging on my door and almost managing to push it open, so she could ask about the bill AGAIN gave me another panic attack.  I called the clinic again and they took care of it this time.  I don’t know how many times I have to tell people that banging on my door is a sure-fire way to terrify me.  Banging doors and the slamming of doors is a major misophonia trigger, so it’s not simply anxiety provoking. 

I spoke to my mum on the phone (finally), but we ended up having a huge argument.  I don’t think she understands the implications of the Trump thing on LGBT people like me.  She probably thinks they’re just regular conservatives who won’t really take away my rights and possibly my transition.  I told her about the incidents of unwanted approaches by men, but she seemed dismissive.  I was freaking out and just hung up in the end, after she told me she couldn’t help me move back to England.  I give up.

I’ve been frazzled and shaken all day. I still don’t feel right.  I’ve turned off the television and switched off the lights so that I can watch the blizzard outside.  I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to get out tomorrow or Tuesday as I do not have suitable clothing or footwear.

Thing are looking really bad for me.  With no escape route out of here, I fully intent to keep to my word about ending it before 2016 becomes 2017.  There’s nothing left for me now and no one stopping me.


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

1 thought on “Snowstorms and Panic Attacks”

  1. “There’s nothing left for me now and no one stopping me.”

    im probably obtuse if i read that a challenge. not for me, i mean– im not arrogant enough to think ive got what it takes. of course i mean it more generally. wishful thinking on my part? anything is possible, obviously. (and yeah– i am obtuse. but thats a side point.)

    apropos of nothing:

    why is it that if you put x people know what it means, and if you put xo or xox or xoxo people know what it means– but if you put xxx it means something else (actually two different things, entirely unrelated to the other one) and if you put ooo people just think it means “ooh?”

    i would say ooo, but it paints so little of a picture that it pretty much requires a diagram to go with it. well, anyway… i would definitely hange it if i could. i mean i never thought trump would be good, i wouldnt vote to snow you in or kick you out, and the whole thing where youre miserable and likely to die? also not my first choice.

    also appropos of nothing: you know at this time of day, youre my only friend?

    i mean, its not a complaint. i could go out, talk to some people i dont know; i did see a friend today (one of my favorite people on earth) though its that time of day when its the nicest time to have a friend. as much as you usually like the snow? i usually like this time of day. or i did, a year or two ago.

    n.b.: i suck at math, but sometimes im good with numbers. theres the number representing your unhappiness, which goes from big to bigger to big. then theres the one that represents your happiness– which goes from insignificant to little to insignificant. and maybe no one, including you and me and the nice people across town or the next town over are going to change that number in any significant way. i know… so my mission is a modest one, and it might fail.

    suppose for the sake of argument or the obvious, you dont make it to 2017. youll be missed, i know that for a fact– and not just by me. but lets say its well and truly inevitable, that no fate could stop it now (i am indeed obtuse enough to hope for the best on this, but i know for a fact it can happen.) my modest mission is to get you to smile a few times between now and then. even briefly. do i have anything better to do? not that im aware of.

    in case you think im joking (i wouldnt,) i met a nice fellow once, actually i went to his school. i was in detention, and we both enjoyed reading dostoyevesky (not the super thick ones, just the lighter books of his for me.) and i wasnt going to mention that in one of those books is the place i first encountered the phrase “apropos of nothing.” but as it happens, that nice fellow gave me a paperback of dostoyevesky, with a nice note inside. if you are wondering i did appreciate it at the time, as it happens. 5 to 10 years or so later, he killed himself somewhere not far from campus. so i realize its something people actually do.

    part of what makes me obtuse is having watched the wild and unexpected changes in my life, both good and bad. i promise you– a good portion of those were not good changes. now i will let you down with a glib little number (in fairness, not as glib as it looks) that is definitely apropos of something, but not necessarily relevant to your life at all. (i can still hope, of course. like i said, im obtuse.) cheers.

    and dont worry– i understand, im not trying to change the world here. i have nothing better to do, so i give it a pointless little nudge for no reason at all. you can tell me to go to hell, though ive been there before (it reminds me a little of connecticut.) …robin williams, kurt vonnegut, halle berry and billy joel; 4 that tried and 2 that succeeded. but, until then:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s