The people in the room next door of the motel I’m staying in are driving me nuts. It’s bad enough being barricaded in here, without having to deal with inconsiderate people. They’re blasting shitty rap music so loud that I can feel it, they keep slamming things against the wall and they scream and shriek like zoo animals. It looks like I’m going to have to find new batteries for my noise cancelling headphones. I’m also even more scared to leave my room, because of the risk of harassment. The sound of people slamming doors is a major misophonia trigger for me.
I didn’t get any responses on the local transgender group I joined. I wrote a long introduction and expressed a desire to make friends. It seems like as usual, it fell on deaf ears. I have always felt marginalized from my own so-called ‘community’ and as much as I was fine with that before, things changed on November 8th.
With my so-called ‘friends’ here essentially giving up on me, I have no one now. I go to my clinic for therapy and a hot meal once a week, but that isn’t anywhere near enough. I can’t get to anywhere that might be a ‘safe’ place for me to meet people, because I’m scared of using the buses here, especially when the journey involves having to change at the Transit Center downtown. I’m stuck in this room, day in, day out. Even my online friends seem to have totally distanced themselves from me, or have unfollowed me.
I’m hoping that my dad will understand the plight that I find myself in and the possible need for me to have an ‘escape route’ if the shit really hits the fan. My mum doesn’t seem overly concerned and I suspect my dad won’t be either. It seems that many people of my parents’ generation (baby boomers) are not as concerned, perhaps because they’ve got less to lose and fewer years to worry about. My dad is a very carefree person in general and I don’t think that he will understand.
That aside, I’m more alone than I’ve ever been at any time of my life and at a time when I really need people around. I hate myself for trusting people and not going with my gut instinct, yet again.
I don’t matter to anyone. In a way, it’s liberating, as I feel like I have the green light to end my life. I don’t even know what I’m still doing here, delaying the inevitable, other than being a fucking coward.
“Now I see the times they change
Leaving doesn’t seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break”