I made it to Walmart earlier today and managed to buy healthier food than I’ve been eating as of late. The problem is with no fridge and nothing to cook with in my room, I’m very limited. The bus ride there was scary – too many eyes for me to try to avoid eye contact with. Riding on buses here in Rochester is usually uncomfortable for me, sometimes downright scary. I still haven’t been able to face the transit center downtown since I was harassed there last time when someone got in my face.
I still don’t know or when I’m going to be able to do my four weeks’ worth of laundry. I hate my so-called former friends for encouraging me to move here, then later deciding between them (behind my back) that I was too much for them.
I’m feeling extremely lonely again. Yet another attempt to join an online LGBT group failed – as usual, people were probably put off by my fucking ugly, grotesque face. Ugliness has ruined my life, as has being transgender. I’ll never find love again; I only really had it once, but my inability to medal my gender identity buried ruined that.
Don’t let anyone tell you that looks don’t matter – I am living proof that it’s massive lie.
The reality is that I don’t matter to anyone, at least not enough for them to care. I have online friends, but they’re far away and I’m pretty sure they’d not want to spend time with me in person, just like my former friends here. My mum is oblivious to my pain and it’s probably best that way, for her own sake. She’s going to have to bury me at some point, so I don’t want to make her worry. My dad is only reachable once in a blue moon and only by phone. I can’t call him on the phone I don’t have.
Maybe I should just admit myself. Sometimes I think that anything is better than my own company. The longer I spend devoid of human contact, the less human I feel and the more irrational and impulsive I become.
How much longer do I have to spend alone like this, stuck in this motel room, alternating between emptiness, tears and bitterness and frustration over how I’ve ended up in this mess? I almost want something bad to happen, to give me the final push I need to bring all of this to an end.
I envy people who have love and companionship in their lives right now, especially during the holiday season that is upon us. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.