The Pain Of Acute Loneliness 

I made it to Walmart earlier today and managed to buy healthier food than I’ve been eating as of late.  The problem is with no fridge and nothing to cook with in my room, I’m very limited.  The bus ride there was scary – too many eyes for me to try to avoid eye contact with.   Riding on buses here in Rochester is usually uncomfortable for me, sometimes downright scary.  I still haven’t been able to face the transit center downtown since I was harassed there last time when someone got in my face.

I still don’t know or when I’m going to be able to do my four weeks’ worth of laundry.   I hate my so-called former friends for encouraging me to move here, then later deciding between them (behind my back) that I was too much for them.  

I’m feeling extremely lonely again.   Yet another attempt to join an online LGBT group failed – as usual, people were probably put off by my fucking ugly, grotesque face.  Ugliness has ruined my life, as has being transgender.  I’ll never find love again;  I only really had it once, but my inability to medal my gender identity buried ruined that.

Don’t let anyone tell you that looks don’t matter – I am living proof that it’s massive lie.  

The reality is that I don’t matter to anyone, at least not enough for them to care.   I have online friends, but they’re far away and I’m pretty sure they’d not want to spend time with me in person, just like my former friends here.  My mum is oblivious to my pain and it’s probably best that way, for her own sake. She’s going to have to bury me at some point, so I don’t want to make her worry.  My dad is only reachable once in a blue moon and only by phone.  I can’t call him on the phone I don’t have.

Maybe I should just admit myself.  Sometimes I think that anything is better than my own company.  The longer I spend devoid of human contact, the less human I feel and the more irrational and impulsive I become.

How much longer do I have to spend alone like this, stuck in this motel room, alternating between emptiness, tears and bitterness and frustration over how I’ve ended up in this mess?  I almost want something bad to happen, to give me the final push I need to bring all of this to an end.

I envy people who have love and companionship in their lives right now, especially during the holiday season that is upon us.  I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

10 thoughts on “The Pain Of Acute Loneliness ”

  1. in the time that i know you, (and no, i dont presume to really know you) i will probably leave two comments on your blog. this is the second one, but only because i doubt you will want me to comment in the future. but its entirely up to you.

    ive spent most of the year fighting depression, and most of my life fighting ptsd. “anxiety” isnt the word i use, but i can related to that too. i know what its like to feel lonely even when people tell you “youre not alone, people care.” and i know what its like to feel like words are pretty hollow when people say they care. yeah, no they dont– because (this reason, that reason, lots of other reasons.)

    so fine, im not here to argue. im here to say hi. why am i bothering you though? im not, im going. we wont meet again– i will leave you be. but you are welcome to come to my blog and “bother” me if you like, anytime. but let me tell you why you, why now– a blog entry you wrote showed up under mine when i wrote about an experience i had with someone from the trans community today. i wrote in my blog, and at the bottom wordpress linked me to yours. thats the only reason im stopping by to say we have more in common than youll probably ever know.

    but you dont have to believe me, and you dont have to care. its all good. i wish you the best, because if i ever got the chance to know you i might actually like you. as for looks– youre right, looks matter. some people will like the way you look no matter what you say, and some people never will. me too– some people like my looks, other people hate them. i hope you meet a nice person that appreciates you, and i hope i do too. cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry that you got called a ‘chaser’. That person could’ve handled it differently. Chasers do exist and they are predatory in nature. I can usually sniff them out and my solution is to just block them.

      What parts of what I wrote can you relate to? The feelings I have are valid and based on a lifetime of abandonment, going back to being 7 years old and waiting for my dad to show up and cancelling on me. People have a history of letting me down and I’m done with the fake promises.

      Anyway thanks for the response. I’m not connected with the trans community at all and I have no trans friends. I date people who live me in spite of it, not for it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. well, im all but cut off from my family, grew up in an abusive household, spent most of the past year morbidly depressed, moved to the uk to get away from american politics, have ptsd– other than that, not much 🙂

        no one can love you for being trans, they can only love you for being you. as for attractions– people are attracted to all kinds of things. from your picture, your best qualities are your eyes and your hair. thats entirely subjective– people dont love you for your eyes and your hair. they dont control what attracts them to you in the first place, either. i used to have a trans friend, he came to my wedding, but we lost touch over petty differences (either mostly or 100% unrelated to his transition, which happened well enough before i met him that i might have never known if no one told me. im glad they did– after his example it finally all made sense.)

        Like

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