Ventured Out On My Own – Scary 

I managed to venture out to the local Walmart.  I took the #8 bus, which was packed on the way there.  I nervously stood right by the driver and faced forward, so as not to accidentally make eye contact with anyone.  It’s a pretty cold day, but sunny.  I don’t have a coat and my hoodie barely kept me warm enough.

The store was relatively quiet, but not as quiet as I’d have liked it to be.  I managed to get what I needed, which was mostly fruit, snacks and a ready made sandwich, as I’m unable to cook or refrigerate anything in my motel room.  I almost lost my nerve at the checkout, as I gave the cashier the wrong change and she seemed a bit annoyed when she barked “65 cents ma’am” at me.   I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, fumbling around in my purse for loose change.

I left around 11:30am and I just managed to catch the bus in time.  I paid for another day’s worth of Internet at the motel lobby.  The guy on the front desk is always very nice to me. It certainly helps when you’re anxious as hell and hate using your voice.

I took a picture of the depressing train tracks behind the motel. This area is kind of ghetto and it doesn’t feel particularly safe.   Thankfully, I have cabs to take me to and from the clinic and I only venture out when it’s quiet.  

I might be meeting that older guy I’ve been talking to on Monday.  At least he gave me more than 48 hours notice.  We’ve been talking through OK Cupid for three weeks now, so it’s probably time to meet.   I feel a bit safer because he has a daughter and doesn’t seem creepy at all.  I chickened out of meeting him last time around as I was too unstable due to my living situation.

I’m going to take a nap for a while or just listen to some music.  I’m trying to not let the loneliness get to me too much.  I’ve got the whole weekend to get through, which I know will not be easy.   I did find my flat iron though and finally got to straighten my shitty hair (which I am using to cover my huge, disgusting nose): 


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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