Unworthy, Undeserving and Ugly

I woke up with a sickening feeling of nausea and dread that has not eased yet.  I’m sleeping a little bit better now that my roommate put the spare bed down for me, so we are no longer sharing a bed.

Said roommate is still driving me nuts because of my misophonia.  Whether it’s her constant sniffing, typing noises and playing YouTube videos at 6am.  She hasn’t threatened to kick me out again, but I fear that it is only a matter of time before she causes me to combust again due to the complete absence of control I have over this insane living environment.  It’s not looking likely that treatment housing will happen anytime soon, so it’ll only get worse, especially as the weather has turned cold, forcing me to stay indoors even when I feel mentally well enough to go out.

I might have a date tomorrow afternoon, if I don’t chicken out.  It’s just a guy I’ve been talking to on OK Cupid for just over a week.  He wanted to meet last weekend, but I don’t do “spontaneous” very well, so I told him I needed at least 48 hours notice to prepare for meeting a complete stranger.  The only issue is that he’s much older than I am, so I’m not sure if we will have much in commm.  He offered to pick me up, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.  Then again, I’m far too ugly for anyone to try to do anything to me, beyond try to bear the ‘ugly’ out of me.

I know I’ll probably chicken out of it.  Why would any decent, intelligent and normal person want to waste their time on me?  I shouldn’t even be thinking about dating anyway, with all the crap I’ve got going on in my wretched life right now.  I feel far too awful about myself to even be seen out in public, never mind go on a date.  I don’t deserve love or even friendship – I am too broken and all I do is hurt people who try to help me or get close to me.

I also shouldn’t be looking to meet other people as I’m not over S (my ex wife).  She was my soulmate and I’ve found myself unable to develop strong enough feelings for anyone else since that relationship ended.  I made the decision to seek only male partners from now on, as I am far less likely to compare them to her and because the roles will be reversed. 

Besides, if DHS don’t get off my back and if I’m not able to find housing very soon, it’s going to be game over anyway.  Maybe I should go on this date just so that I can suffer the humiliating pain of rejection when he sees me in person and sees how ugly I am.

It snowed here a little earlier this morning.  I wish I could go out in it, but I’m not feeling good. That’s all for now.


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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