My friend (primary roommate) and I ended up getting into a huge argument yesterday, as I could not keep my mouth shut about the dishes or the fact that her friend had banged on the bathroom door aggressively to get me out of the bathroom (the only room where I have any kind of solace). We went back and forth, but didn’t really get anywhere.
She said that she was close to asking me to move out, even if that meant me being on the streets. I expressed that many of the problems we have are because 1) I have absolutely no control over this environment and 2) I was upset that dishes had been left festering in the sink for days. Of course, she made it seem like I was the one taking it the wrong way and that her friend has problems too. She said her friend wouldn’t have left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up.
Despite the frustration I feel at being unable to cope in a living situation where my roommates’ idea of hygiene and common courtesy are vastly different from my own, I am seeing a pattern in my behavior relating to the level of control I have over any given situation. The less sense of control I feel that I have, the more I tend to suffer. So if I’m unable to even control the place where I sleep and the place that should be my sanctuary, my mental state will go downhill, fast. I tried to explain this to my friend, but she doesn’t like to talk about this stuff and I was largely talking to myself, until she did something that I can’t stand: she changed the subject. I told her that I as grateful as I am for her help, I don’t react well to having a gun placed to my head. In this case, the “gun” is her power to throw me out at any given time, if this becomes too much for her.
While my friend and her friend went out (which is rare), I decided to wash the dishes as a show of good faith. Of course, her friend didn’t even thank me for it, so now I feel like I’ve been taking advantage of. They are not even willing to talk to our care manager to mediate anything, because I’m the one with the problem. The sad part is that with mediation and an acceptance of ‘adult’ responsibilities, this friction could be at the very least reduced to a more manageable level. But as usual, I’m the asshole.
I always used to pride myself on my ability to be able to have at least some degree of control over my life. Before transition, I worked and had considerable savings. I didn’t have as much anxiety as I do now and I felt like I was able to walk away from any given situation, if I had to. I would never have placed myself in situations like this, or accepted things as they are. I have essentially had to bury the part of myself that was strong, brave and ibdepdentent (or could at least give off the illusion that I was all of those things). I am being just as ‘untrue’ to myself as I was prior to transition, but for different reasons. I still do not know how to be assertive, but as an adult woman.
I’m ready to give up – this living situation is one of 4 factors that could send me over the edge and past the point of no going back. I can’t live this way anymore. I need some degree of control over something….anything.
“And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home”