Trapped Like A Rat

Half way through this wretched weekend and I’m going crazy holed up in this apartment with these two introverts, who want me gone jus as much as I want to be gone.  Even if it weren’t the weekend, it’s too cold to go outside with the (lack of) clothing that I have.  I wish I could go out, even just for a couple of hours.

The pile of dishes has now become a mountain.  I was so irate when I saw it earlier that I drained them and moved them onto the floor, just loudly enough to wake up the culprit, who expects everyone else to accommodate their sleep schedule.  I feel guilty for the fact that my friend is letting me stay here, but then I hate that I have no control over anything and it’s making me hate both of them, not only my friend’s friend.  This is the horrible person I have become, ugly inside and out, rotten to the core.

I can’t sleep well here.  My friend wakes up at 6am and starts typing on her keyboard, the sound of which sends me into a rage, as I have misophonia.  I spend as much time in the bathroom (where I am now), but usually only as long as my phone battery lasts.  

This is bad; if I’m not able to find housing soon, I’m going to have to consider packing my bags and just leaving.  I’m not sure where I’ll go – maybe that will be the catalyst I need to end all of this.  I’m sorry for whatever I did, but please just make it all stop.  How much longer of this sentence am I expected to serve before I lose my mind and my temper? 


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

3 thoughts on “Trapped Like A Rat”

  1. Becca you need to give yourself priority…… You are too hard on yourself…… You are seeing yourself from eyes of others….. First you need to accept yourself and then love yourself…… What you want first give to self….. You want love, friendship and nice to happen so very important you first start loving yourself, giving importance to self and say nice things about you.

    Yes hard it is but is it not better to take a step forward into unknown…. Yes maybe you may think easy for me to give advice but trust this is not just an person trying to act smart it is just a human like you who cares for other one….. I cannot come there to wipe your tears nor am so capable to give what you want but I need you, yourself to try out step by step moves to come out of prison and walls you creating unknowingly. Please do think of it….. Calm yourself first, put a smile and trust that good and better things and people are on their way to you…. Be ready to Welcome all with smiles and happiness and love For self.
    All the best, Becca

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If I had a stable housing situation then maybe. But the best thing I can do for now is to hide. There’s no compromise for the immediate problem. When I’m out of here then maybe I can work on myself. For now it’s just survival.


      1. We are all human and we always think of this and that…… Start working on self….. Giving importance, love to self does not require divine place because we are divine ourselves when we see deep in……. Circumstances problems issues will always be there….. We need to find a way out of them….. Cannot wait everything to be in our favour, Becca……. But as I said the final decision and choice has to be and can only be yours. Be blessed.

        Liked by 1 person

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