It’s 2:30am and I’m wide awake. I’m getting tired (in more ways than one) of this never ending lack of sleep. I’m going to stop taking Mirtazapine and Seroquel as all they do is knock me out for 2-3 hours, but I wake up feeling insanely awful.
Yesterday was too chaotic. I saw my therapist, but most of my 30 minutes was taken up with him trying to find someone in care management, as my care manager had gone out for an emergency and had forgotten to leave the letter for me for the attorney I’m seeing tomorrow for the gender marker and name changed. I did manage to vent about my living situation, though there’s nothing he can suggest.
Catching the bus there was a terrifying experience. I took a different bus route as I’d missed the bus I usually take. I got on the bus and there were loads of people, many of them I instantly perceived as threats. I stood for the entire bus journey, nervously looking down at the floor and trying to stop myself from descending into full blown panic mode. More people got on the bus, some of whom looked very thuggish. I do not like the buses here in Rochester at all, though they are cheap at just $1 a ride.
Yet another pair of earphones have broken, meanif that I’ll have to replace them. My friend/roommate is a major sound trigger to my misophonia. Because I have to wear earphones almost all the time (including when I go out), they tend to break within a few weeks. She decided to eat right in front of me the other day and it almost caused me to snap.
I want to go back to sleep, but I know it’s unlikely to happen. I’ve got so many things on my mind right now that I know that I’ll be lying here in bed for hours, while being slowly tormented by my thoughts. Maybe I’ll get lucky and fall asleep, but then I’ll slip right back into another nightmare.
Tue reality is that I need to start seeing some sort of tangible progress at this point. I don’t have forever (or years) to wait. My patience ran out a long time ago and I’m living on borrowed time. The temptation to run away is strong, as is the temptation to attempt to end my pain by ending my life. I think about that every day, even when I’m not in the midst of a depressive episode.