While transition may have saved my life 3 years ago, I’ve now come to the realization that all I’ve done is trade one prison for another. While I’m no longer imprisoned by being forced to exist as a male, I’m now imprisoned by existing as an ugly transgender female.
I can no longer go out freely as I could before. I’ve lost the strength I once had that enabled me to survive. I’ve lost the physical strength that would’ve enabled me to defend myself, though there were rarely occasions when I needed to.
I’ll never be a cisgender woman. I’ll never experience periods or childbirth. As I wasn’t raised as a girl, I’m finding it very difficult with makeup and I have no clue how to “be” around men. I’ve had to shelve interests that I probably could’ve got away with if I’d been born cisgender female.
I’ve lost all that was dear to me, from my soulmate to my best friend to my ability to survive and my anonymity. I’m no longer functional as an adult human being, I’ll never experience love again, I’ll never get to be a parent and I’ll never be happy with myself.
Survival instinct = gone
Ability to defend myself (and others) = gone
Dignity = gone
Functionality = gone
Soulmate = gone
Hope for the future = gone
Transition saved me 3 years ago, but it’s not going to save me next time. At this stage, I’d rather die than choose between either of these prisons; the prison I’m in now feels more like an insane asylum.