Anxiety & Self Hatred – A Maximum Security Prison Without Walls

I’ve been struggling the past few days with frustration caused by my inability to go out. I am unable to go out because my anxiety is too bad, coupled with feeling too ugly to go outside, even briefly.

As I am not an introvert and as I have no privacy here unless I lock myself in the bathroom, this is pure hell. It feeds into my depression and makes me highly irritable and irrational. My mind starts to obsess over certain things, whether it’s misophonia or feeling trapped. It is also very apparent that one of the people I share this apartment with hates me.

I waited until after dark yesterday and tried to go out, but the bench outside the apartment was as far as I got. I sat there and cried for a while, as it’s so difficult to do that around the two people I share the apartment with. I ended up coming back up and locking myself in the bathroom for a while, trying to resist the ever-increasing urges to self-harm. I even tried to pull apart one of the razors I use to shave my legs with. But then I realized that cutting would only make matters worse, especially if either of my two roommates noticed it. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to resist the urge though; I think it’s only a matter of time.

I just want to go out. I wish I had the freedom to just go out whenever I needed to. I’m going nuts holed up indoors with two other people, one of whom doesn’t want me here. Sleep is the only thing I look forward to, even though my sleep is short and laced with nightmares and bad dreams. It beats reality.

Anyway, I’m done writing about absolutely nothing for today.  I’m going to leave you with a relevant Nine Inch Nails song, ‘Everyday Is Exactly The Same’:

“I believe I can see the future
‘Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again, that might have been a dream”

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

4 thoughts on “Anxiety & Self Hatred – A Maximum Security Prison Without Walls”

  1. I’m exactly the same. My house is a prison, and I can’t leave the house without having at least one panic attack. It really does suck but I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m here if you ever want to talk 🙂 stay strong x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I wish I were an introvert and just content to stay in, but that isn’t me. I want to socialize and have friends…just don’t know how. I’m sorry you feel the same and same goes for you

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think that’s part of the anxiety, the fact that we are not introverts. Or at least it is for me anyway. I want to go out and socialise as you said and the thought of it while it could be amazing it’s also extremely anxiety provoking. Then again so is staying in so you get as you said in your post, trapped in almost a prison in your mind. I’m yet to find a solution but I’m searching hard for it! You will be the first to know once I’ve found it! Stay strong!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I used to identify as an introvert, because it seemed like that was the case. But I eventually realized that I’m not; I want to be social, though I do need regular “breaks”. I live with introverts and I am nothing like them. Our needs are different …they’re happy just staying in and staring at a screen all day, while as you mentioned, this is like a prison. It’s like the real me is desperate to get out of this mess and be / feel “normal”, but I’m hopeless at making friends.

        I would just suggest that you don’t do what I did, which was to allow the anxiety to define who I am. Challenge it as much as you can, because being an ambivert or an extrovert living as an introvert will make you miserable as I am.

        Liked by 1 person

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