I’ve been struggling the past few days with frustration caused by my inability to go out. I am unable to go out because my anxiety is too bad, coupled with feeling too ugly to go outside, even briefly.
As I am not an introvert and as I have no privacy here unless I lock myself in the bathroom, this is pure hell. It feeds into my depression and makes me highly irritable and irrational. My mind starts to obsess over certain things, whether it’s misophonia or feeling trapped. It is also very apparent that one of the people I share this apartment with hates me.
I waited until after dark yesterday and tried to go out, but the bench outside the apartment was as far as I got. I sat there and cried for a while, as it’s so difficult to do that around the two people I share the apartment with. I ended up coming back up and locking myself in the bathroom for a while, trying to resist the ever-increasing urges to self-harm. I even tried to pull apart one of the razors I use to shave my legs with. But then I realized that cutting would only make matters worse, especially if either of my two roommates noticed it. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to resist the urge though; I think it’s only a matter of time.
I just want to go out. I wish I had the freedom to just go out whenever I needed to. I’m going nuts holed up indoors with two other people, one of whom doesn’t want me here. Sleep is the only thing I look forward to, even though my sleep is short and laced with nightmares and bad dreams. It beats reality.
Anyway, I’m done writing about absolutely nothing for today. I’m going to leave you with a relevant Nine Inch Nails song, ‘Everyday Is Exactly The Same’:
“I believe I can see the future
‘Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again, that might have been a dream”