Days, weeks and months seem to fly by, as I continue to stagnate. I hate it when people tell me to “be patient” or the most frustrating one of all,“it will get better”. I am not 25 anymore and I’ve lost enough years as it is. I don’t derive any enjoyment or pleasure out of life; there’s nothing I enjoy doing. I don’t care for another relationship and I’ll never have children. I can’t even keep friends, as I always end up pushing them or driving them away.
I can’t even hide misophonia rage anymore (and quite frankly, I don’t even care to anymore). I snapped at my friend that I share a room with yesterday and yelled at her to stop typing, as yet another pair of earphones broke and I was left fully exposed to the sound, as I frantically tried to find my one working pair.
Half the time, I don’t even know what day it is unless I actually check, because everything seems so foggy these days, even my sense of time. It could be the medication I’m taking, or it could be because my existence has absolutely no purpose and hopelessness and despair have flooded my unconscious mind as well as my conscious mind.
For some reason, Bowie’s ‘Space Oddity’ song has been stuck in my head, so I thought I’d share it. This part of the song seems to resonate the most with me:
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do”
I’m at a point where I realize that if I’m going to leave here and do what I need to do, I need to go soon. I’m quite literally going crazy here and I need to end this before I become even more of a burden to others and to the system. Also, cooler temperatures are setting in, which will give way to cold within a few weeks. My presence isn’t wanted here – all I do is cause problems.