Slowly Drifting Into The Void 

Days, weeks and months seem to fly by, as I continue to stagnate. I hate it when people tell me to “be patient” or the most frustrating one of all,“it will get better”. I am not 25 anymore and I’ve lost enough years as it is. I don’t derive any enjoyment or pleasure out of life; there’s nothing I enjoy doing. I don’t care for another relationship and I’ll never have children. I can’t even keep friends, as I always end up pushing them or driving them away.

I can’t even hide misophonia rage anymore (and quite frankly, I don’t even care to anymore). I snapped at my friend that I share a room with yesterday and yelled at her to stop typing, as yet another pair of earphones broke and I was left fully exposed to the sound, as I frantically tried to find my one working pair.

Half the time, I don’t even know what day it is unless I actually check, because everything seems so foggy these days, even my sense of time. It could be the medication I’m taking, or it could be because my existence has absolutely no purpose and hopelessness and despair have flooded my unconscious mind as well as my conscious mind.

For some reason, Bowie’s ‘Space Oddity’ song has been stuck in my head, so I thought I’d share it. This part of the song seems to resonate the most with me:

“For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do”

I’m at a point where I realize that if I’m going to leave here and do what I need to do, I need to go soon. I’m quite literally going crazy here and I need to end this before I become even more of a burden to others and to the system. Also, cooler temperatures are setting in, which will give way to cold within a few weeks. My presence isn’t wanted here – all I do is cause problems.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

2 thoughts on “Slowly Drifting Into The Void ”

  1. I recognize so much of what you say in this post. The hopelessness is really the worst part of my depression. The ever-present sadness is bad enuf, but the hopelessness is actually dangerous for me. My depression began literally 50 years ago; I am past the point where I believe it will ever “get better.” And I think your Bowie snippet is exactly right! Depression is a lonely affliction.

    I hope you manage to take the steps you feel you need. This is no way to live otherwise.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That song has always been one I could relate to, even as a child. The sense of being adrift in space, looking down at the earth and feeling helpless, as “ground control” gave up on you a long time ago ….so you just drift further into space.

      As I’ve got older, hopelessness has become a bigger monster with each passing year. At least when I was young, I clung onto a distant hope that things would actually get better, but the opposite has happened.

      Hopelessness, emptiness are both interconnected and very dangerous. I feel like it just needs to get to a point where even the fear of dying painfully won’t matter anymore (it’s already close). I’ve got nothing left to exist for and I’ve no idea why I’m still here, sucking up resources and air.

      I could live with the depression if I actually felt like at least I had some sort of purpose and a distraction from the pain, but my brain doesn’t allow for distractions or for me to ever switch off.

      *hugs* thanks for reading.

      Like

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