I feel like a scrounger and a criminal 

I’ve had an extremely stressful day today and I’m exhausted. I didn’t sleep at all last night because of my anxiety over the investigator appointment earlier.  

The appointment with the Department of Human Services was grueling and intrusive. Because I’ve moved from place to place, they had to make sure I’m not committing fraud. It felt awful to be questioned, but I’ve nothing to hide. I explained to them that the moving from place to place was not by choice.

But what was more stressful was the packed waiting area. We sat there for an hour; I was absolutely petrified the whole time. I kept my earphones as lodged into my ears as possible, with music constantly playing as I closed my eyes and waited for my care manager to nudge me to say my number and been called. There were lots of people and lots of potential ‘threats’. Even walking in that building terrifies me. But I held it together (kind of). It was a bad experience, even though the investigator was pleasant enough. She didn’t refer to me by my deadname at least.  I explained why I’d moved in as ‘condensed’ form as possible – I have nothing to hide anyway, so I’m not concerned.

After the appointment, we went back to care management and discussed housing. I am being placed on a (fast tracked) list for assisted living. They realize that I cannot live alone, but that I need to leave my current living situation. I think that will be helpful, as I will have plenty of support and my own room. In the meantime, the YWCA is a strong possibility while I’m waiting, but they currently have no rooms available (but that could change at any time), it’s been a while since I’ve been in a hostel / shelter situation and I’m not keen to revisit it, but the last one was women and men and the men were the ones that gave me issues.

I logged into my UK bank account (my only bank account) and printed the statements to prove how I’ve been supporting myself and that there’s absolutely no overlap or fraud. My care manager has already faxed them over, so hopefully that will be enough. The whole process has left me feeling beaten and almost like a criminal. Trust me, I don’t want to be on welfare and I 100% plan on staying here this time, especially if housing can be found. I may even get to experience stability for the first time in almost 6 years.

My care manager dropped me back around 12:30pm. Since then I’ve just sort of been lying here in a daze listening to music. I’m exhausted, but I can’t fall asleep.

The weather has cooled significantly here today, from being almost 90 degrees yesterday.  It barely hit 60 today and it looks and feels very ‘autumnal’ today.  


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

2 thoughts on “I feel like a scrounger and a criminal ”

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