I’m conscious of the fact that my blog is read and followed by people outside of the western world. I wonder if those from poorer countries read my blog and think “What the fuck is this ungrateful bitch whining about?”. I’m sure my problems could be perceived as tame in comparison with those of people in poor countries that struggle with lack of food and basic shelter.
I feel guilty for my depression and for wanting to die. I’m sure that millions of people in the world’s poorer countries would give their right leg to have my life. I realize my problems are probably considered “first world problems”, but even with that knowledge and even with the associated guilt, I still hate myself and my existence and would be happy if it ended.
I wish I could donate my life to someone who could actually make a “life” out of it. I feel like my inability to enjoy life or appreciate the advantages I do have would be viewed in dim light by those in poor / developing countries. I wonder how many other depressed or otherwise disadvantaged people here in the first world also feel the same guilt as I do, yet it does not lessen my pain.
I’m going to call it “first world guilt”. I feel it. And perhaps if those in power and the “haves” were to feel it too, we’d have a better chance of raising living standards across the globe.
….but humanity sucks.