Dreading tomorrow (DHS hell) 

I’m absolutely dreading tomorrow. I won’t be able to switch myself off from excessive worrying today and I’ll be unable to sleep tonight. I have to go to DHS (Department of Human Services) for an appointment with an “investigator” at 9am. I’m assuming this is just standard, being as I’ve a history of moving from place to place, but I’m terrified.

I’m not overly worried about the appointment itself, but I am worried about waiting. It’s a huge waiting area filled with the very people that have harassed me as of late (at the transit center, for example). It is almost as bad as forcing me to wait in a school playground full of bullies. It is also a very busy place with in excess of 100 people also waiting.

The other fear I have pertains to my deadname. Last time, they called me in with that name and it almost caused a panic attack. Fortunately, my care manager is male and I am hoping that anyone that heard that wretched fucking name assumed it was for him.

My care manager will be there with me, but he’s not going to be able to prevent anything bad from happening, nor can he prevent them from dead-naming me (referring to me by my legal name).

I’m tired of being forced to place myself at risk. It isn’t fear of being physically attacked – I could deal with that. It’s verbal abuse / harassment that I’m terrified of, as it could quite possibly be enough of a catalyst to severely hurt myself, or even end my life (I’m close enough as it is).

I just want it to be over with already. This will be the third time I’ve had to physically go to DHS. I wish the appointment could’ve at least been scheduled in the less busy office, not the office downtown. I don’t even want to claim welfare; this is not who I am and I feel like a scrounger. I wish I were able to get a job and just work. Come January, it’ll be 2 years since I last worked. I highly doubt any employer will hire me, even if I were to get to the stage where I’ll be mentally able to work again.

The sickening feeling of nauseous dread isn’t going to let go until it’s over, but a bad experience will make things so much worse. I feel like just running away and going to a place where I can just get on with ending my life. None of this is worth it – it’s just adding more borrowed time and piling more pain on top of pain. I’ve had enough; I’ve really had enough..

“My anxiety’s clawing
Out from deep within me
It burns within as my throat begins to cauterize.”

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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