My own transphobia (fear, not hatred) 

I dod something yesterday that I’m very ashamed of, but it goes to show that my transphobia is still there.  I don’t hate transgender people, but I’m very much afraid of them.  They are triggers to me, as is discussion pertaining to transition.  I wrote about this subject some time ago:

Transgender people can be triggers

I was in a Facebook polyamory group and I posted something about not being able to find a boyfriend, because not many men are willing to date transgender women.

Anyway, a transgender woman in the group emailed me to say that she could relate.  I didn’t realize she was even transgender at first, but even after I did, I tried to see it as an opportunity to make a new friend. 

But then she did the same thing most transgender women do.  She talked about herself and how well she “passes”, she told me she was turning 30 soon and she’d had a boyfriend.  Those were 3 triggers right there; I felt that she was pitying me to make herself look good, rather than help.  

So my triggered mind took it as an attack and I reacted.  I didn’t call her names or sink that low, but I basically told her to take her pity and shove it.  I told her I that I didn’t need more friends, especially not transgender female friends.  I told her that by continuing the conversation, she was putting my mental health at great risk.  Then I blocked her.

I’m not proud of it.  I’m ashamed, actually.  But it goes to show that I need to keep a great distance from transgender people and the transgender community at large.  I’m tired of the ageism, elitism and the hazing that is perpetuated by so many of the ‘privileged’ in the transgender community who aren’t ugly and don’t have mental health problems and aren’t destitute.  

I regret my actions, especially if her intentions were good and not just because she wanted to feel better about herself by looking down on me.  I hate that the group of people who should be able to understand me the most also trigger me and place my mental health a high risk.  

I’m a transphobic transwoman and I hate it.  I hate myself for being transgender and for failing to keep it buried.    

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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