Running away 

I have often been accused of running away from my problems.  I am not going to argue with such accusations, because it’s true.

In the last 5 years alone (from 2011 to now), I have moved several times:

Miami, Florida
Beverly, Massachusetts
Hialeah, Florida
Miami Beach, Florida
Coral Gables, Florida
Watford, United Kingdom
Rochester, New York
Skelmersdale, United Kingdom
Grantham, United Kingdom
back to Rochester, New York

Why do I do it?  In many cases, I was forced to move by circumstances beyond my control (failed relationships, bad living situations).  But I tend to always believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence (or Atlantic, in my case).  I tend to forget the negative things that happened to me in places I’ve lived before, then I go back and they bite me in the ass and I want to run away again.  

I also get depressed if I feel stuck in one particular place.  I go from liking a place to hating it relatively quickly.  One or two bad experiences can also make me hate a place.  After a certain time, I start to believe that many of my pronlems are caused by where I live, so I believe that running away to somwhere new or somewhere I’ve lived before is the solution. 

Some of my problems do pertain to places I’ve lived.  For example, when I go back to the UK, the feelings of inferiority towards my brothers return and I am reminded of the past.  If I were to go back to South Florida, I would be troubled by memories of my marriage.   Such issues still affect me, but not as severe as they would do if I were still living in those places.  Sometimes it’s specific people I’ve needed to run away from, whether partners or friend I’ve fallen out with in the past.  

I also struggle to relate to people who have lived in the same place their entire life.  I’m so used to moving around that it seems so alien to me, to just stay in the same place you grew up in.   I wonder whether I’m simply not meant to stay in one place for too long.  Or maybe I’ve simply not found “home” yet and perhaps I never will in this life.  Maybe I I found love or somewhere I felt like I actually belonged, I wouldn’t feel the need to keep running. 

The 90’s song ‘Runaway Train’ by Soul Asylum seems relevant to this post, so here it is: 

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

9 thoughts on “Running away ”

  1. Having just recently found your blog I am already feeling like I know you or should I say want to get to know you better. I admire your courage to put your fears and challenges out their for the public scrutiny. I for one marvel at your ability to pick up and move so readily. I have longed to live elsewhere but family and commitments keep me grounded here. The world is a vast and wonderful place and I think it makes a person so much more interesting when they are a person of the world instead of a person watching it go by. Stay strong and keep writing. You have a lot to offer this world.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t know…running away isn’t the answer. Courage would’ve been to stay where I was and try to make it work. I’ve burned so many bridges over the years that I’m not sure I’ll make it back to the mainland, wherever that is.

      I’m an open book. I get criticized for putting my story out there and it’s a massive risk, but I hope that some will be able to relate, or not make the mistakes I have made.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. First and foremost, that is an awesome fucking song!

    Secondly, running isn’t really all that bad sometimes. Not that I’m comparing you to a drug addict, but often times addicts are encouraged to find a new place to live so that they can break their triggers. Sometimes, I think running is important. When life matters, it is inherent that we have two responses – fight or flight, because doing nothing will be the worst choice. So, maybe you needed to run; but, sometimes you’re going to need to face the problems, head on. And it’s been my experience that knowledge is power and when there is some major issue to deal with, then getting all the information available is the first step.

    And, even burned bridges can be rebuilt – granted, you might have to demolish a few things first, but they can be built again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. An interesting take on it. And I am a former addict, though I’m lucky to not have an addict personality, meaning I can quit easier than most can. I did it to escape reality, just like running away or dreaming of running away is a form of “escape”.

      Sometimes you do need to run. I wanted to make it work in the UK, but it wasn’t the UK I knew from 2003 & prior. It not only didn’t feel like home, but my bad memories were still there for some reason. It was like going back to the place you had your honeymoon, only your new husband decided to leave you for someone else. All the pain was still there, but none of the things I remembered about what I thought was “home”.

      And I love that song. It was of great comfort in my teens (I’m an old bitch now).

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am officially addicted to your blogs. So raw and so truthful! Some of the things you say resonates through me and although I may not understand the pain you are going through I feel like I need to constantly check up on you and see if today has been a good day for you lol. Power through girlfriend! xx

    Liked by 1 person

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