Today didn’t start well. Because I’m a fucking bitch, I picked a fight with my roommate this morning because I thought she was ignoring me. It ended with her telling me to leave (not for good, just for a while).
I caught the bus to Downrown Rochester to meet with the attorney currently handling my case. Unfortunately, I had to get off at the Transix Center, where I was harassed last time. I didn’t get harassed harrassed as such, but there were a lot of shady characters around the transit center and a few of them glanced at me. Even if they said anytning, I had my earplugs lodged firmly in and a particularly loud In Flames song playing that I wouldn’t have heard them anyway.
I met with the attorney. She advised me that applying for citizenship right now would be a bad idea as I’d been out of the US for more than 6 months and that would look bad on my part. So we are going to go ahead and just get the biometric information (name and gender) changed on my permanent resident card. That will be a little quicker anyway, although we could still be talking 8 months.
Rather than subject myself to the stress of the transit center and surrounding area, I walked to the clinic. It was about 25 minutes, in the dry September hear. It was an uneventful walk in which no one noticed me, but I took several pictures with my phone as it was a clear, sunny day:
First, I saw my care manager. I basically just unloaded all my shit on the poor guy. He suggested the idea of a women’s shelter, which I’m going to talk to their housing person more about tomorrow, as it might not be so bad. We also talked about DHS and the possibility of getting much needed clothes and shoes.
Therapy was painful. I basically unloaded again like a crazy bitch. We discussed my ex wife quite a bit, as the guilt is eating me up. I broke down in front of him when I showed him one of the journal entries she wrote about me back in 2003 (it was one of the most beautiful things she’d ever written about me). We discussed how it was difficult to lose the only person in my life that I’ve truly loved and the person who understood me like no one else ever has.
I walked most of the way home as I didn’t initially have change for the bus, so I had to go to a gas station to buy a coke. For some reason, cars would stop for me to let me cross the street (this happened 5 times). They probably did it out of sympathy. My phone (and music) died, so I had to ask a guy at the bus stop what time it was and when the next bus was due. I clammed up when he tried making small talk as his cuteness was making me anxious.
I got home around 6. My friend tried to talk to me, but I didn’t feel like it. She thinks I want to leave and I think her and her friend want me to leave. It is a no win situation all round. I was meant to go to an event at my clinic at 7 for transgender people needing help altering tneir voices, but I opted not to go because there will be other transgender people there and right mow, they are massive triggers.
And that’s all for now. My shitty existence continues to drag on. I’ll leave you with “Still Here” by Digital Daggers. It is very relevant to how I’ve been feeling lately, remembering my soulmate and honoring the love we once shared: