The pain of an unwanted existence 

I haven’t slept at all last night; it’s now 6am and not going to happen.  I only slept for 2 hours the night before, so I feel awful.  My mind is racing non-stop, torturing me with never ending thoughts and worries; my time is running out.  

My lumbar spinal stenosis has also flared up lately, most likely caused by the heat and humidity, or just stress.  I can’t stand or keep still for more than 30 minutes without writhing in chronic pain.  Walking or running is the only thing I can do to keep it at bay.  It has added to my insomnia, making it impossible for me to be comfortable in bed.  It feels like my lower spine is on fire and the cramp in my right leg is unbearable.  I’ve lived with this condition for 10 years or so.  It tends to come and go, but it seldom ever allows me to sit or stand still. 

I had a massive argument with a friend on Facebook last night, which hasn’t helped.  She suggested introducing me to other transgender people and suggested that I go to groups.  I flipped at her, because I have asked her before NOT to do this.  She knows that it is a trigger to me to be around other transgender people, as does everyone who knows me well.  

She then said that I needed to find ‘accepting’ people and that made me angrier still.  I’m so tire of people going on about acceptance; 3 years into transition I don’t need to hear it anymore and I don’t give a shit if people accept me or not.  I don’t want to become accustomed to being around accepting people and I don’t want to live in a transgender or LGBT commune. 

Why do people do this to me?  Why don’t people understand that it’s best NOT to keep reminding me that I’m different?  It bothers me the same way (but to a lesser extent) when people suggest going to depression groups.  Why would I want to surround myself with more depressed people?  Besides, I have never done well in any groups I’ve been to.  I have never made friends that way and many groups caused me to feel worse. 

And as for the transgender community, it can take its elitism, ageism and focus on looks and fuck right off.  I’m a woman; I don’t need the transgender label. It has done nothing for me and I want no part of it. 

I cancelled the meeting I was supposed to have with a recruiter today.  My anxiety is way too severe and the lack of sleep has impacted my already low mood.  I’ll never be able to get a job anyway.  People have scared me away from it by all the talk of red tape, stringent background checks and references and qualifications I don’t have.  I don’t even have clothes that are close to being professional.

Plan X is getting closer.  


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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