Taking a massive risk

I’m going to take a huge gamble with a guy who replied to my “accommodation wanted” ad on Craigslist last week.  He was one of several messages I got from people basically wanting to fuck me.

I wasn’t going to respond, although he said in the message he would not only provide a place to live, but also a little money if needed.  His age doesn’t bother me; he’s 62 and works full time.  We exchanged several emails and I said I’d meet him this Thursday, in a public place (most likely a bar).  If we click, the idea is that I could be paid to “help” him any way I can, including sex. 

Before you chastise me or judge me, I am doing this for me.  Not only could it be a potential source of income and housing, but it may end up being a symbiotic relationship of some sorts.  I feel much safer after he told me he has a daughter and the fact that he’s willing to meet me in a public place also makes me feel safer.  He liked the pictures I sent him of me and he tells me he will help me work on my self esteem.  He said he isn’t bothered about my voice or how tall and leggy I am.  

I am hoping that this will also help me overcome my fear of men, after the bad experiences I’ve had. If this goes well, it will help me feel a little more confident meeting men on a potentially romantic basis.  If it goes pear shaped, it will probably make matters worse.  

But I realize it’s a huge risk and I’m going to have to down a couple of drinks to fight my anxiety.  I see it as an opportunity though.  But he will probably be disgusted by me and that is the worst case scenario I am trying to prepare for.   If it works out, I might even consider trying to find others willing to pay me for services rendered. 

I’ve really got notning to lose and the money could go towards getting my legal name and gender changed, much needed clothes and finishing electrolysis on my face.  I should do it now, before I get too old.  

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

29 thoughts on “Taking a massive risk”

      1. 😐 I don’t know what to say about that. I want for you, like I would anyone, for you to find a love that you deserve. I would want you to be fulfilled. Even as psychotic as I am, I have to believe that there is hope for fulfillment.
        Just do yourself a favor, make sure you have someone who knows where you’re going and when you should be back to someplace you both feel safe about.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I accepted that I’ll probably never find love, despite being true to myself for 3 years now. I don’t expect it. It’s something I’ll hopefully get to experience in the next life…normalcy, meeting the man of my dreams then settling for a normal, boring-ass life where at least I’ll be stable and safe. I envy other people so much.

        I don’t fear death. If someone kills me it’ll be me that’s happy and their ass will go to jail. It’ll save me putting my family through suicide. So death isn’t the worst outcome from this.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I know it’s easy to see…trust me, I’ve been there. There are other ways to feel some fulfillment without the love-factor being there. My mom used to always say that love happens when you are not looking for it…maybe that’s the avenue to take?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. My own motto is “love is just something that happens to other people”. I am utterly undesirable and have no redeeming qualities. If you can’t even come close to loving yourself, it’ll be hard to accept someone else’s love if it comes along. And I gave up looking long ago. I don’t even know how to approach anyone anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. As in unique person? I just want someone with similar political and social beliefs, kind, caring and someone that will bring me out of my shell (so dating another introvert probably wouldn’t work). I don’t care about looks (obviously) or money.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. 😳thanks. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. But maybe if someone can see that because of my flaws, I’m willing to give more than most. Dating sites aren’t good. I don’t know how else I’ll meet men.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Their are, but ewww. Most men that chase trans women are nasty. Trust me on that. Besides I want someone to love me in spite of this, not specifically for it. I don’t need reminders. I’ve never had a proper boyfriend and that isn’t an area where I’ll find one. They treat us as sexual fetishes and assume trans women have male sex drives.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Gotcha! I hope I wasn’t insulting in anyway, I am just curious. I struggle with my own gender-related issues at times, so I somewhat get what you’re saying. You want to be appreciated for your entirety and not just for the trans, right?

        Liked by 1 person

      9. If you ever need to talk about your own issues you can send me a DM. I’m not sure how much help I’d be. It depends if you feel trans or perhaps non-binary? I just want to be valued as a (female) human. I don’t even discuss the trans thing as I don’t want attention for it. You didn’t insult me at all

        Liked by 1 person

      10. I have to be honest, a lot of the terminology I don’t really know. I just am aware of how I feel and I have a bit of a split in my identity – sometimes I love my masculinity and sometimes I exhibit some femininity.

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Don’t concern yourself too much with labels. Think about how you would choose to present yourself (if society wasn’t such a cunt) and what pronouns you prefer (male, female or gender neutral). I have a few non-binary friends but only one trans female friend. I don’t think it’s a split in your identity – it’s just who you are. Perhaps you’d be happiest able to express both sides (and in between)?

        Liked by 1 person

      12. Anyway, thanks for listening and replying. I don’t get many replies, which is fine as I blog primarily for me. But meeting cool ass people like you is always a bonus

        Liked by 1 person

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