Things I’ve learned and accepted today

Things I’ve learned today:

1) I am not asexual or even demisexual. I experience sexual attraction, but i have a low libido and don’t particularly like sex.

2) Now that the fog of gender idendity has cleared, I am sexually attracted to men exclusively, but could potentially form a romantic relationship with someone of any gender, even if the sexual attraction wasn’t there.

3) I feel that there is no label for it, although as far as sexual attraction goes and who I desire to be with, it’s men. My relationships with women have all come from friendships, but the sexual attraction part was missing.

4) My first gender therapist I saw in Florida was right: I was suppressing my sexual orientation because I didn’t want to leave my comfort zone (women) and because I’m afraid of men. Bur I love men as far as the physical side goes and I am totally drawn to masculinity, rather than femininity.  Truth be told, men are fucking hot, but many are assholes and putting myself out there dating wise comes with great danger.  

5) Whatever you thought of me in the past or whomever I dated, I was never a straight cis male and I’m defintely not a lesbian.

6) Despite this, I have more chance of winning the lottery or going to space than I do finding a man. Being trans isn’t the same as being cis and attracted to men. If I’d have come out as gay first, I would have just dated gay or bi men. When you’re transgender, you’re left with a very small pool of men willing to date me and out of that pile, I’d probably not want to date most of them (based on the type of men that typically go for transwomen).

Think of me whatever the hell you want. I don’t rule out ever having a relationship with a woman again, but I sort of need to close that chapter of my life and aim for relationships that meet more of my needs (and I’m not talking about sex). 

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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